Charlie.- Completed

twenty two

"You're not going to hurt me Charlotte." 

"Let me go Noah." 

"No because you'll just fucking run again." He moved and turned me so I had my back to the island and he was stood in front of me. That space he'd had from me was now pretty much gone in its entirety. "I can't take much more of this chasing after you Loz. You can keep running from it as much as you like but I can't keep waiting for you to come back." 

"Then stop." I looked up at him and blinked hard, letting the single tear fall down my cheek but forbidding any more. "Stop waiting for  something we both know can't happen." 

"Why can't it happen?"

"Because it can't Noah." 

"That's not an answer." He sighed. "You told Finley that I'm the only guy you'd ever have a chance with without it fucking up your friendships with them. That you're going to fuck us up. You're scared. I don't know why you keep running Loz, I don't know why you keep denying it to everyone, including yourself. I can't wrap my head around how you can say you're falling for me to Finley and then still not answer my texts for a month." 

"Please Noah-" I looked at the door behind him and took a deep breath as I tried to stable myself. "Just let me go. I can't do this-" 

"What can't you do? This conversation? The lack of space? The pressure? The chemistry? Us?" 

"Noah-" 

"Charlotte. Tell me." 

"Let me go-" 

"No." 

"Noah-" 

"I told you I'm not letting you go again Charlie." I felt my knees giving into the stress. I was going to fall to the floor. I was a wreck right now and I couldn't get away from him to break down alone. I really didn't want anyone to see me cry. I hated it. Crying is a weakness. I'm not weak. 

"Please." I looked up into his eyes but I couldn't see them through the tears in my eyes. "Let me go Noah." He shook his head as the tears started falling and I slowly slid my back down the unit, instantly pulling my knees up and wrapping myself into a ball as I let the tears flow. 

They were thick and heavy. I couldn't breathe. I could feel the sob stuck in my throat and I was doing everything in me to keep it there. If I suffocated here from the lack of oxygen, at least the pain would stop.  

I put my head in my hands as it tried to regain control of myself. Everything is fine. I'm fine. 

I'm fine.

"Loz." His voice was quiet again now as he sat beside me and tried to pull me into him. But just the slightest of his touch made the sob escape. Wonderful. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to do this to you. I just wanted you to answer." 

"I hurt everyone Noah." My words were slow and steady like the tears that were now finally stopping. "Every single person I've loved has left me. The only people that haven't are the guys and that's only because they don't have another choice. Max, Sebastian, Louis, my parents, my sisters, you. You all fucking left because I fucked up. I just fucking got you back and I literally fucked up in the first 48 hours. None of this should have happened. I shouldn't have kissed you. We shouldn't have done anything in Greece. None of it should be real. Because if it wasn't I wouldn't be here like this now, and I'd still have you as a friend. But I fucked up." 

"You haven't fucked up Loz. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere I told you that." I looked up at him and wiped my eyes. "I don't regret anything that we've done Charlotte. I never will. If you are only regretting it because you think you're going to loose me then you're self sabotaging more than I thought you were." He put his hand on my cheek and wiped the slow falling tears from my face. "How do I convince you that I'm not going to leave and that you're stuck with me. Because the fact that this is hurting you so much is breaking me and I can't take it anymore." 

I took in a long, deep breath. 

"You can't convince me Noah." I sighed. "And if it's hurting you now it's only going to hurt more and more the more you realise that. Because I don't believe you and I don't trust myself to not mess it up." I shakily pulled myself up to my feet, offering him a hand and pulling him up. 

I knew he didn't intend on staying the night and I could see all his things were in his pocket. Phone, car keys, wallet. I pulled the kitchen door open and felt him fight to let go of my hand when he realised what I was doing. 

I suddenly had a strength I've never known. My grip on his hand and how even though he was putting all his weight into standing still, he was still slipping along the empty hallway. 

"You need to go Noah. You need to move on and find someone else who won't hurt you like I will. Someone better than me." I unlocked the door and opened it, pulling him outside and dropping his hand. 

"Don't do this Charlotte." I stood in front of him and watched as he dropped a few tears himself. "I'm still not going to leave. I'll still be here. Constantly. For everything. I won't let you shut me out like this." I backed up as the silent tears fell one at a time. Shaking like a leaf in an autumn breeze, I grabbed the door handle to keep myself up. 

"Go find her Noah." I stepped back into the house as he tried to move to get back inside and closed the door quickly, locking it and sliding down the wall again slowly. 

"Charlotte." He knocked on the door. "I know you're there. I know you can still hear me. Let me in." 

I was taking in shaky breathes, in between silent crying. I was fine with this hurting me. I could deal with the hurt myself. It was me hurting him that wouldn't make this doable. Hurting him was going to break me.