Charlie.- Completed

twenty three

"Loz, what are you doing?" I turned and looked at Ryan, letting a small smile appear. 

It had been 4 months since I'd kicked Noah out. He was here daily like he said. We'd spoken though I could only seem to give him answers to small talk questions and I could see it in his face that was hurting him even more than it would if he wasn't talking to me. 

I'd been keeping myself crazy busy, gym, uni, work. Always making excuses as to why I couldn't spend time with them all. It was hard over Christmas and I'd ended up going home with Fin to his. It was 2 weeks of me pretending to be fine and he knew it was all a façade. Everyone did. But I was acting happy. I wasn't causing drama, hadn't cried or shouted, I'd kept my emotions steady. They had no reason to pull me up on it no matter how much they hated it because I was acting normal 

"Just writing a song for the show."

"Ooo. Let's see." She walked closer and I locked my phone. 

"No." I turned to her and smiled. "Let me do the music for it first like before." She nodded and walked back to Oz. 

I was glad Uni was almost over. Everyone was talking about their plans after graduation now. I'd been able to escape it every time. They weren't going to like it when I told them I would be skipping not only town but the whole country. 

I needed space. And the sun. And a whole new life. 

The only way I could do that was by leaving everything behind. I'd already bought a house and was managing the renovations from here. I wasn't a million miles away. The Canary Islands had beautiful weather year round and I would eventually set up my own studio out there, maybe start a production business. I'll think about it eventually. 

Our final grade for this course depended on us putting on a show. We got 30 minutes to fill it and I'd been preparing for it with Ryan for a good few weeks now. We only had a month left until the big day and a week of that was spring break so Ryan was going away with Oz. I intended on working the entire week. On the set list and recording and practicing, making my voice as strong as I could. 

This song was a matter of me combining lyrics I'd written over the past 6 months that I loved and finally putting them together into something that worked.

Usually never cry at all
I would say I'm pretty tough

Really thought I'd be done with the hardest part
When I pulled myself out of your arms

Last night, for the very first time
You didn't even try to call

But all that was going through my brain
Was your hands around my waist

 I get a little too drunk
I start thinking, What if you were the one?

I was staring at the words but non of them were adding up in my head. I sighed and pulled myself out of the gap in the wall. They all stopped and stared at me as I did. 

"I don't know how I got out of there." I smiled and let out a small chuckle. "I don't even know how I got in but it was comfy." Harrison looked at me and tilted his head.

"Is it really?" I nodded. It was. He moved past me quickly and tried to climb in but ended up bending himself in half before looking at me for help. I rolled my eyes and put my phone in the pocket of my hoodie so I had spare hands. I held his legs still as he moved into it right. "Oh you're right it is comfy." 

"Told you." I smiled and turned around. "I'll be upstairs if anyone needs me." 

"Doing what?" Fin turned around and looked at me. 

"Killing myself." I rolled my eyes sarcastically. "Writing and playing my guitar. Obviously not killing myself idiots." I grabbed a tea towel and launched it at him. He looked confused when he caught it but I think it was more of me. 

"Do you want food?" 

"We're making pasta and pizza." I looked at Ryan who wiped her hands on Oscar's jeans and laughed. 

"I'm okay thanks. I'm not hungry." I smiled and walked out of the room.  I wasn't that far away when I could hear them all discussing the little remark. The front door pushed open and Noah walked in as I reached the stairs. 

"Hi Loz." 

"Hi." I stepped up onto the stairs, moving slowly so I wasn't being rude. 

"How are you?" 

"Okay you?" 

"Yeah I'm okay." I nodded and gave him a small smile before turning back to the stairs and stepping up another. "Loz?" 

"Yeah?" 

"I keep forgetting to ask you. Did you decide on if you were doing the doctorate next year?" 

"Um-" I adjusted on the stairs and let out a little sigh. Couldn't escape it now. "I think I might wait to do it. I don't know. I'm still thinking about it." 

"Okay." He nodded and stepped closer to the banister. "What are you going to do instead?" 

"I think I'm going to take a year or two out." 

"And do what?" I shrugged and he looked down at where I was picking at my thumb with my index finger again. I stuffed my hands into the pocket of my hoodie. 

"They're making pizza and pasta in there." I looked quickly to the door then back to him. 

"You're not staying?" 

"I've got some uni stuff to do and then I'm going to the gym." 

"Want me to come with you?" 

"I'll be okay. Thanks for the offer though." He nodded and I turned to walk up the stairs. He sighed as I did. Like he'd lost his opportunity to speak what was on his mind. 

Just having him walk into the house had my stomach doing cartwheels again and it was tiring having to hold them back.