Charlie.- Completed

seventeen

I pulled the headphones on tighter before getting out of the car, ensuring the music was loud enough I couldn't hear anyone trying to talk to me. I'd gone too soft the past few weeks. People were starting to peek into the cracks and they were pulling them apart. 

I was done with that. I might not be able to plaster over them right now but I sure as hell wasn't going to be giving them anything to look at. And if they wanted to look and stare, I was giving them something to look at. A statement that said stop treating me like I'm weak. As far as anyone is concerned, I'm back on my bullshit. 

I pushed my car door open and pulled my backpack onto my shoulder and closed the door behind me, lighting my cigarette as I slowly started walking towards the main building. I could see the people who had seen me crying on Friday now staring at me as I strutted with the cigarette in my mouth. They were convinced. You've got this Loz. 

You're fine. 

I stared at the 5 boys who were stood with their arms crossed, stopping me from moving. I could see Fin's mouth moving and rolled my eyes, pulling my headphones down. 

"Sorry. Couldn't hear you. Go again." 

"I said we've been worried about you." I shrugged and blew the smoke out into the air. 

"I told you all I'm fine." 

"We don't believe you. You know that right?" I turned to George on the end who put his hands in his pockets. 

"That's you're problem not mine." 

"Loz." They took a step forward in unison. 

"God, you guys are all in sync today. Did you start a boyband or choreograph this ambush or something?" They all looked around at each other, a combination of raised eyebrows and furrowed ones. They seemed confused. I wasn't supposed to be okay and yet I was snapping back like normal. 

"It's not an ambush. He's not here is he?" 

"Oh." I looked around and shrugged. "Can't say I noticed. Where is he?" 

"He said he's giving you some space." I raised an eyebrow and took another drag. "What's he giving you space from Charlie?" Harry moved around to my side, leaning against a bollard that was beside me I didn't even realise was there. 

"Trying to get in my head? I don't know. Ask him." 

"He keeps saying to ask you." Alfie crossed his arms. 

"Why are you guys giving me the third degree here?" Oz held his hand out and I passed him my cig. 

"Because you're the one who ran from a room crying and then vanished to be with David for 3 nights with next to no communication."

"I didn't run from the room crying." I rolled my eyes. "I walked." They all groaned. "I'm a girl, we cry, get over it." 

"You don't cry though Loz." 

"I do, you guys just don't see it." They all tilted their heads and now I was the one putting my head back and groaning.  "I'm fine." 

"Keep telling yourself that and eventually you'll believe it yourself." I snapped my head back to Fin quickly who's arms were still crossed. I stared at him and he knew he'd got me. I could see it on his face as the other boys quickly vanished without saying a word. 

"Oh here we go. My bollocking." I moved to the bollard and sat on it myself. "Right go ahead." 

"What has gotten into you the last few weeks? You're up one minute and super low the next. I know you're going through it at the moment but this is next level. Do you need to get your meds adjusted?" 

"I'm fine Fin." 

"Again. No you're not." I crossed my arms, mimicking him but not mocking. "You need to cut this shit out because we're starting to get sick of running after you and playing this game. If you're not okay Loz, even if you don't want to talk about it, we'll hold your hand through it. You know that too well, but running from it and lying to us isn't helping anyone and it's straight up childish." 

"I'm just trying to process through it Fin." 

"So you're not okay?" 

"No of fucking course I'm not." I put my arms in the air and dropped them dramatically. "I'm a fucking wreck. Do you think leaving my home and dressing like this constantly is my fucking ideal week. No. I want my jeans." His lips pulled up into a slight smile as he walked over and put his arms around me in a hug. 

"I told you you weren't okay." 

"God here he goes. Do you need a pump to inflate your head or are you just going to let your ego do it for you?" He snickered and stood back. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" I put my head back and sighed. "You don't have to give details. I just- We won't worry as much if we know what you're going through." I looked back at him, looking into his dark blue eyes as I tried to piece my words together in a way that would give them enough to feel better but not so much that it would give everything away. 

"The guy from the club last year." 

"Yeah?" 

"I think I'm falling in love with him." He raised his eyebrows like he understood but was confused at the same time. Me too Finley. Me too. 

"I'm sorry. I'm confused. You're saying that like it's a bad thing." 

"It is a bad thing. He's been here what just over 2 weeks and I haven't stopped thinking about him for a second. And then he stands there and tells me he doesn't want us to just be about sex. That even though we said feelings can't get involved that he has feelings for me that break our rules. That he wants more." 

"Loz. That's still not a bad thing."  I was trying to fight back the tears but I couldn't and they slowly started falling down my cheeks. Fin didn't move, knowing if he did, I'd be pulled from my rambling and I'd stop talking. Go back into my cave of solitude and crumble alone.

"I'm going to hurt him Fin. I'm going to fuck it up like I have everyone else. He's the one person in the whole world who would ever have a chance of understanding me and my friendship with you guys and I'm going to fuck it up." 

"What do you mean understanding you and our friendship?" I looked at him and stopped. Shit. I'd said too much. I wiped my cheeks and shook my head. 

"Nothing." I forced a smile onto my face and stood up. 

"No that's not nothing. What did you mean Charlie?" He put both his hands on my shoulders, holding me at arms length. 

"It's nothing Fin. Forget I said anything I didn't mean it. Let me go please." I sniffed and steadied my breathing. 

"Charlotte." 

"It meant nothing Finley." He threw his head back and took in a deep breathe, calming himself. 

"Charlotte Blair. You can fucking stand here and tell me it was nothing as much as you like, but I really need you to clarify what it did mean. Because it wasn't nothing. We both know it wasn't nothing. And if you don't say what it is I'm only going to think the worst." 

"Fin-" 

"Did you get you're heart broken all those times because of us? Is that why you won't date? Why you only have one night stands? Because they leave you because of us?"

"Finley." 

"Answer me Charlotte." 

"YES." I snapped at him, having enough of his pushing. He stared at me. I don't think he was expecting it to be true. It was. And deep down he knew it. But he didn't want it to be real. That the reason I was hurting so bad was because of the same 5 boys who kept my earth spinning. 

I didn't want it to be true either.