Charlie.- Completed

fourteen

"But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find, and did you miss me
While you were looking for yourself out there?"  

I looked up at him smiling brightly as I sung along. I could see him flashing back to us singing this together in his bedroom when he was learning to play guitar the year before he left. His parents were big music fans and we'd heard the song a few weeks before in the kitchen and it became our favourite really quickly. 

I'd found it again last spring and recorded it alone, just for fun when I was reminiscing about the past. As much as I live for the other 5 boys, Noah leaving was the last point in my life where everything was good. I was still a kid when he left. And it wasn't long until the traumas started rolling in. I wasn't sure if it was because of my age or because my best friend was suddenly gone but it was a few months later when I realised how bad things were between me and my parents. 

"Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong?
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
Five hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me?" 

Everything felt safer when Noah was around. I didn't care about everything that everything was crumbling because I had my best friend. It was even the slightest touch from him that reminded me that. Like being on the beach when I started having an anxiety attack and he started tracing his fingers again to calm me down. Even now after 10 years, he still knew me so well. Even with all the added baggage. 

I continued singing whilst looking at him. I wasn't even thinking about the guitar or the song, or singing in front of him now. I was just lost in his eyes as we both sung. I hadn't even noticed he was singing with me. It felt like some bizarre Deja vu. Like 11 year old us were imagining what we would be like now and we were actually sat in his garden in the middle of summer.

He slowly pulled the guitar from my hands as I finished the song, laying it down on the floor delicately before putting his hands on me and pulling me onto him as he laid back into the couch. He sat me so I was sat on his hips with my legs hanging off the edge, my spine against the edge of the sofa. 

After a few seconds of looking at me, he shook his head and moved so he could move me again. This time pulling me so I was laid into his arms, squashed between him and the sofa cushions. I was laid on one of his arms that was supporting his head too. 

"Stay at mine tonight." He was slowly blinking, face void of all emotion. Just his eyes lit in the dimly lit room. I was getting lost again, my mind essentially blank as I counted the colours. 

"I shouldn't." 

"I know you shouldn't but I really want you to." I wrapped my legs in between his and he pulled me closer. The silence in the room was almost deafening. "I just want to hold you all night." 

"Noah-" 

"I know we said no feelings Charlie but I can't help it." His grip on my tightened, not letting me move. I felt my breathing get heavier. "And I know it's only been not even 2 weeks but I think we've gone past that friend thing. We've been there, gotten the tee shirt. Lived it and loved it. But I can't just do the friend thing with you. And I can't live without the benefit of having you. You're all over me and I can't get the feeling of you kissing me out of my head." I fiddled with the hem of my jumper, trying to look down at it just to avoid eye contact. 

"Noah." I sighed and pulled myself up. He joined me and I put some space between us, standing up from the sofa. "We really can't." 

"Why not?" 

"Because this is messy enough as it is." I ran my hands through my hair before starting to pack everything up and shut the room back down. I grabbed my papers and bottle from the other room, before coming back to the computer and moving today's recording into the USB before safely disconnecting it. 

"What makes it messy? I don't think it's messy?" He was following me around as I panicked putting everything in its place and in my bag.  "Loz, please. Talk to me." 

"I can't." I pulled the bag over my shoulder and walked to the door. He grabbed my arm, pulling me back and forcing me to face him. 

"Stop running from it. Stop running from your feelings because it's not going to make them go away. Tell me what's mess so I can clean it up." 

"Let me go Noah." His grip was getting a little tight on my arm as I tried to pull him off. 

"Tell me Charlotte." 

"Noah." 

"Charlie. Please. Look at me." He dropped my arm and put both hands on my cheek, forcing me to look up at him. "You promised. You pinkie promised you wouldn't hold back your feelings. That you wouldn't over think anything to do with us." 

"I'm not over thinking it Noah. Let me go." 

"No." His hands smushed my face so I couldn't speak. "I am not letting you go again Charlie. I've gone 10 years without my best friend. I just got you back. I'm not loosing you because you're scared I'm going to leave you again. I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to hurt you so you leave me and if that means I hold you like this until you accept that I'm not leaving then I will." I looked down but he tilted my head ever so slightly so I had to look up again. I brought my hands up to his and pulling him off gently. As soon as I put my hands on his, his grip softened and I was released. 

I held his hands in mine until they were at a normal level in front of me. 

"I can't do this anymore Noah." I took a few steps backwards away from him before turning and walking out as my eyes started filling with tears.