Don't call me Angel- Completed

Twenty Eight

My breathing was unbelievably heavy, salt water running into my nose and I felt like I was suffocating. Tonight was bad. The worst dream I've had in years. 

And here I was back in the bedroom with a gun at my head. 

It's not real Maddy. 

I slipped out of the bed slowly, my cries silent as always. No one needs to know about this. I don't want them to come back. Dad said to be strong. Don't cry. Don't let him hear you cry Maddy. He'll be so fucking mad. 

I felt my back against the wall as my dad's body fell to the floor in front of me, blood pooling around his head. This time it was crystal clear. Normally it's blurry. I can't see much through the tears. But this time, even with the tears. Even with my eyes shut. It was crystal clear. I could see the bits of them both everywhere I looked. 

"Mads?" 

It's not real.

None of this is real. It's just an episode. Arlo caused it. Caused me so much stress it triggered me. Fucking Arlo. Why do these always get worse when he's around. This past 4 days have been great. Don't get me wrong, I woke up every night but I could usually just take a few minutes and then sleep. 

I knew in a few hours I'd be having to pack up and leave this hotel. I don't know where I was going to go but I can't stay here. He'd be finding ways to find out where I was. He'd probably call and say I was his wife and he wanted to send me some flowers just to get my room number. I'd believe it. He was manipulative. He'd talk around it, make sure it happens. 

"Maddy, can you hear me?" I whimpered, pulling my head into my arms. "I think you can. It's okay baby. I'm here." His voice was quiet as the bed creaked and I knew he was moving. "Is it really bad tonight?" I nodded into my arms. "Oh good you can hear me."  I squeezed my eyes tighter, clenching every muscle in my body. "So I was thinking about when we move down here. Obviously I'm going to move in with you because I told you we would. And we're going to have to paint all the rooms. We get to go furniture shopping too. I like a Tuscan vibe. You know like lots of dark worn wood. I know you said you like character too so I was thinking, in the kitchen. Not straight away, eventually, we get those white tiles pulled up from the floor and replace it with a stone. It might be cold on our feet but I think it would look really nice."  He listened. 

He'd actually listened to me when I told him what might help me right now. And he'd remembered. He wasn't getting angry that I woke him up in the middle of the night. He's not trying to force me to move. Or to tell him what's going on. He's just being him. Sweet, and soft, and considerate. God he was so fucking perfect.  

I slowly opened my eyes, hoping that lifting my head and looking at him would help. But my head was so heavy. Come on Maddy. You've got this. Slowly does it. I turned my head, looking into his eyes. I could see his mouth moving. But I was so busy trying to ground myself I couldn't focus on what he was saying. 

Breathe in for four seconds. 

Out. Slowly. Just 4 seconds. 

Again. 

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"And I was thinking we should put a movie room in somewhere. But we could always add on like another wing to one side and add a few extra thing. Like an indoor pool. That would be nice right? You love swimming. Or we could put in a shoot range which would be fun. Or if you wanted something more fun, less work we could do a bowling alley. Drunk bowling could be really funny." I sniffed, a small giggle coming out at the thought of bowling whilst pissed. "You like that?" I nodded and his eyes lit up. 

"So drunk bowling. I'll add that onto our to do list when we move down here. As well as going back out with Piper. You were enjoying yourself. I'll have to get you some more white silky dresses too. You like them more than you think you do. I want to buy you a new car too. Leave yours back in Washington. We'll start a whole new fresh thing down here." I lifted my head, coming around quicker than I would have ever expected to with this.  

"Can I come closer?" I nodded and without a second thought he did, moving slow but taking big steps on his knees. He sat down beside me, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me into him. "I've got you Mad. None of it's real. You're safe. I'm right here. No ones going to make you do that again." 

He pulled me into his lap, wrapping his arms around me protectively. I was safe. He was right. I was safe right here in his arms. As long as I was in his arms, I was safe. No where in the world made me feel as safe as being right here. I grabbed a fistful of his shirt, pulling him ever closer. 

"Thank you." I was broken. Cracking at the seams. And you could hear it in my voice. 

"You don't have to thank me Mads." I felt him nuzzle his head into the back of my head. "Do you want to try sleep again? I'll hold you the whole time. I'm not letting you go." I nodded. "Okay. Hold tight." He stood up slowly. How he managed it from how we were sat I had no idea.  

A few seconds later I was wrapped up in his arms laid in the bed. My head on his shoulder, that arm wrapped around my ribcage. I was breathing into his chest. His head on the top of mine, my legs between his. I could not possibly have more of my body touching his if I tried.

"Mads? I don't want to bring it up but I need to know. Was it so bad tonight because of them?" I nodded and he held me tighter. "Okay baby. Sleep now. Rest. You have a big day."