Don't call me Angel- Completed

Forty

I threw my head back, screwing my face up as I took a deep breathe. 4am. Another night terror I'd had without waking up anyone, another night of this fucking wound not being healed because I keep reopening it in the midst of the chaos. Now I'm stood, somehow fully dressed in the kitchen trying to rebandage it without any light. I'm just glad my eyes have adjusted so I can make out some things. Not a lot. 

I could feel the blood, warm against my bare arms. This was a lot harder without my phone torch. 'Just an accident'. I do not know how I pulled that off. How he looked at the phone that had been sat in the water for a few minutes before he realised. I made sure to keep him looking at me so the damage could make sure it was unsavable and that I'd have a few days to work out what to do next. 

He'd ordered me a new phone the second we got out the bath. I'd insisted I could buy my own. He refused. He got my phone from the side so it was his fault. It would be here Friday. I needed to get on my laptop and delete it from the back up before it got here. But I think that's still at home.  

I sighed, taking in a deep breathe as I tried the bandage again. 

"You know it'll help with the light on." I snapped my head up quickly to the sound of Lu's dad.

"Sorry." I looked down at my arm then back at him "I didn't mean to wake anyone up." 

"You didn't Maddy." He shook his head, flicking a lamp on beside him. "Do you need a hand with that? You look like you're struggling." I shook my head. Now I could see it was fine. I wiped the blood from my arm and cut off a new piece of bandage, wrapping my arm with one hand. "That shouldn't still be bleeding. What happened?" 

"Oh I caught it." I looked up quickly as I tied it in a knot and put my jumper back on. "It's fine. I keep forgetting it's there and walking into things." I smiled, putting the remaining gear into my back and walking the rubbish to the bin. 

"Why isn't Luca here sorting it?" 

"He's still asleep." I closed the bin and then started washing my hands, hoping the blood would wash off easily. 

"Hmm." His dad hummed, pulling a stool out and sitting down. "And why are you up at this time?" 

"Just couldn't sleep. I was going to sit and do some stuff for the house but realised my laptop is still back at Nicky's so I was going to run over and grab it." 

"Alone?" 

"It's not far away." I shrugged, drying my hands and watching him. "I need a few other things anyway." 

"At 4am?" 

"No time like the present." I smiled but he just stared at me.

"Every day this week?" I watched him. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm just a morning person." I walked around, picking my bag up off the side, pulling it onto my shoulder. He grabbed my arm, hard, not allowing me to move. 

"What are you hiding from my son Maddelena." I turned and stared into his eyes, pushing his hand off me with a great amount of force. 

"I'm not hiding anything." I didn't move. Just kept staring at him. "And if I was hiding anything it would only be to protect him." I took a step backwards, turning on my heel and walking away. 

Once I was sat in my car, I could breathe. I'd left Lu a note on my bedside table telling him I'd be with Mia today. I would be but I wasn't going straight there. Right now I needed to breathe. I started driving, pulling away from his drive and down the roads, making sure I turned the music on and up when I was far enough away that I wouldn't disturb anyone. I didn't want him waking up just yet.

I drove up to the country, the sky turning more orange the closer I got to where had started becoming a daily trip. I could sit in peace up here, away from the world. In peace. I mean, I had the loud music, but it was still peaceful. I didn't have Lu watching over me, or Nicky, no Mia, Arlo couldn't find me if he came back. I was isolated. And that peace was making this whole thing a lot easier. 

I hated lying to Lu. Even if it was for his own good. It was starting to rip me to shreds.  I had this solid built wall around me that I'd built brick by brick years ago. It was built quickly but it was solid. And there was multiple walls. Lu had been able to break through the first one. Managing to pick the lock. But I was still hidden under 2 or 3 layers. And I didn't want him to get that close. 

No matter how much of an act I put on that I was this tough strong girl who could just take people down without a blink of an eye, with a smile plastered across her face. I wasn't. Not under all the bricks. Under it all I was quiet and shy and clingy. Just like Lu had said in the bath last night. 

I knew it put people off when they saw inklings of the real me. They got real concerned about me, thinking I was breaking. So it was just easier to keep the mask on. No matter how exhausting it was sometimes. 

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. I love the strength I get from it all. The strength and that power makes it possible for me to keep it up around everyone. I just wish I had someone I could show the real me to, without being made to feel weak about it. 

Lu is the closest someone has ever been to that. I knew if he stuck around long enough, I'd be throwing a chisel and hammer over to him. Maybe a sledgehammer. Maybe the quicker he pulled it down the better.