Broken child | Adopted by Elizabeth Olsen

Chapter 15: The house full of love

Saturday. The day free of hell  (school) - I'd always refer to it. The day Theo and I would always hang out. We'd go out for ice cream, we'd skateboard or play Nintendo together. We'd just live, laugh and love.

Looking back at those times now, I have this absolutely uncertain feeling. I don't know how to call it. I feel those memories fading away. Like they'll never come back. Ever. Even though, Theo's still here.

The morning my mother died, something inside me changed. Something snapped. A barrier keeping away all the loved people by me. My bubble keeping me comfortable. It snapped. There's just me and the world.

I know you'd tell me: "Tessie, you have Lizzie now. Theo's still here. Malcolm still loves you. You have new family, new friends". Yes, I know, but it's not the same. Even though, I'm surrounded by loving, beautiful people, the coldness never faded away, man.

Inside my head, I'm naked and ashamed of myself and I have my friends, but they seem strange! I don't know anybody anymore! Not even myself!

I remember a song my dear dad would always sing  when I was little. Specific lyrics stayed in my head. The singer sang "Dream on, dream on, dream on. Dream until your dream comes true". I dreamed of a loving family until it came true. My dream came true and I'm not able to be happy about it. I feel the same emptiness. The emptiness from my old life.

I stand by the window that I slightly open to breathe some fresh air. I watch the bank of clouds in the sky changing colors. Gray, light blue, pink. I see the flash of light behind them. Everything became so bright suddenly. Streams of the hot sun spilled on my body. I close my eyes and enjoy the breathtaking moment. The sun hides itself behind the clouds and the world seems gray again.

I change out of my pyjamas and put on some Lizzie's old jeans and her blouse that was surely too big for me.

"Morning, people" I say tiredly as I walk into the kitchen where Theo and Lizzie are currently chatting while enjoying breakfast

Enjoying breakfast. I wish I could be doing that.

It's Theo's last day in LA. He has to go back, because of the school that starts again on Monday. School, damn. I wonder what are we gonna do about school. Maybe Lizzie will agree for me to have online lessons? Or maybe I could be homeschooled?

To be honest I don't want to think about that.

"I wish you could stay here like- forever" I tell Theo

"Yeah, I'm gonna miss you. But you know, we're still gonna be hanging out! It's not like I'm dying or anything" he laughs, taking a bite of his toast

I decide to kinda breakthrough and eat a small yoghurt and some fruits for breakfast. It's about small steps..isn't it?

I don't enjoy it, but I gotta do this for Lizzie. She made the breakfast for me and what now, I was just supposed to say no thank you, I hate eating? Not really. I don't want her being sad. Especially because of me.

I do wanna get better. I want to be like other children my age. It's not simple, but I don't wanna give up on myself.

I remember when I was little, my dad used to repeat to me "Tessie, whatever happens, however it all ends up - do not give up". I didn't know what that meant back then. It was just "yeah, don't give up". Sounded easy, cause I was a courageous, brave girl. Nothing seemed impossible.

Now I know what he meant.

He wanted me to UNDERSTAND and REMEMBER those words, cause he knew they could motivate me. They could keep me going, keep me strong...or alive.