Broken child | Adopted by Elizabeth Olsen

Chapter 20: Always here for you

Tessa's pov:

"When you are tense and your mind is overstimulated or distracted, your ability to remember can suffer. Stress caused by an emotional trauma can lead to memory loss"

I don't remember how it happened.

I don't remember why it happened.

I just remember that it happened.

I remember I hurt people. I remember saying some awful things. I remember the floor full of blood and Lizzie crying her heart out because of me.

Let me tell you something: I simply am not there anymore.

I don't feel where I am, who I am or what am I gonna do about it. There's nothing. I literally lost my dignity last night. My mom and my best friend won't ever look at me the same again. They won't see 'Tessa - the nice girl', they'll see 'Tessa - the broken child'.

I'm not even sure if I wanna get better. If I would - how? How am I gonna deal with all this? This is too hard.

I woke up early today and been awake since then, lost in my thoughts. Lizzie is peacefully sleeping next to me. I wish I could go back in time and fix this. I caused her so much stress and pain.

All I get are those flashes:

The glass. The shatters. My thighs. The blood and then faces of the most important people in my life, seeing me broken down.

For me, everything was practically happening in slow motion. I noticed every detail there was to see. Lizzie's face was kinda sweaty. She was stressed out, worried and concerned. She probably didn't even notice her tears falling down, being so focused on mine. She held me so close I could hear her heart racing.

Theo on the other hand was terrified, backed up. I was the monster and he was the victim. I didn't hurt him physically, but I did mentally. I broke his heart by breaking my own. He ran to the bathroom for some reason at one point. All I could hear was muffled sounds, so I don't know what Lizzie was saying.

I was in my own world, expiring, surrounded by the world that decided to hate me for a reason.

I didn't feel my body while being in Lizzie's arms. I felt it right away when she picked me up. My body appeared to be like- beaten up. It was sore and weak. I don't recall ever feeling as weak as I felt last night.

It was too much to bear.

The worst thing was that I started it.

But other people had to finish.

I chose to hurt myself again, but then I was too small to save my big ego. Others had to do it. They felt the need to, though it hurt them. This what I'm most ashamed of.

"Hey, angel girl" Lizzie smiles at me softly "how long have you been up?" she asks me quietly in a calm tone

"Uh I don't know actually"

I lost the track of time. I lost the sense of time. Like I always do.

"Oh, so um how are you feeling?"

I don't know how to answer that question. It's so simple and basic. It begs me to say 'I'm fine', but things aren't fine. They're complicated if you look at them from a logical way. But I don't feel them. I'm at peace, yet I'm disturbed. I cannot express or describe it.

Yesterday I did. I expressed my past. I showed them how much pain it held. And it did not end up well.

I simply look down.

"I don't know" I respond after a minute of consideration as if it's a normal thing to say "I keep thinking about...it. I don't remember much, but I'm sorry I put you through this. I'm so sorry"