Our Fate [OUR SERIES #2]

CHAPTER 22

'I guess you'll be going home alone tonight, Dhayne. I'm sorry.'

__

Sometimes, we become overly excited with what we plan to do and we unintentionally do it in the wrong way. We wanted something for so long that when we feel that we can almost have it, we tend to do something that will just ruin everything in a single blink. 

I have been thinking the whole night since my last conversation, that day, with Thana. We still hangout like nothing happened, we were always together and she still comes to my house and lives there. And up until the next month, her words are still chasing me to sleep. 

There's this time that I will just suddenly space out while we talk because I remembered what she felt. I don't like it. It was the first time I saw her almost crying. Her face was so sad and pain was visible. I'm afraid I'm going to witness her vulnerable side again. And I badly want to get rid of it. 

"Are you okay? You know what, I've noticed that you're losing focus these past few weeks. Seems like something is bothering you. Are you really okay?" She asks, worrying. 

I smile a little and shake my head. "I'm fine." 

"You're not. Ilang beses mo na 'kong pinaunang umuwi. Tapos magta-taxi ka lang palagi. You've been ignoring me. You're physically here but-" 

"Thana, I'm just tired, okay? You don't have to worry that much." pagkumbinsi ko. Hindi lang sa kanya ngunit pati na rin sa sarili ko.

Umiiling akong bumalik sa tapat ng office table ko at tumayo roon. Siya naman ay nanatiling nakaupo sa sofa habang nagtataka akong pinagmamasdan. 

I’ve become distant to her. There’s a lot of reasons for that and I can’t figure out which is which. Every time I see her, I remember that I’m starting to like her. And that like will never be worthy for her love. Masasaktan ko lang din siya. 

I want her. But fear starts to grow inside me. Just like what happened in the past, everyone that I ever loved, I tend to lose them. Everyone and everything that I touched, I broke them. 

Just like how I carelessly hurt Gayle, just like how I always put Kris in danger just because I wanted to be with her. I’m afraid that the next person that I’ll lose will be Thana. And I also know that if I stop wanting her, I'll still lose her. 

I have to get over my fear or live with it because there’s no escape from these things. I have a choice whether to take a risk or be a coward and lose Thana. 

“What is wrong with you? Can we talk for a sec?” I know she’s starting to get irritated. Nilapitan niya ‘ko at mabilis akong umatras. 

“Please just stay away from me.” my heart is beating loud and fast when you’re near.

“Did I do something wrong, Dhayne?” 

“I don’t want getting involved with you anymore.” mahinang bulong ko na nagpatigil sa kanya. I’m afraid my feelings would grow deeper. “I don’t want you, y-you’re distracting me.” umikot ako sa mesa ko, tinalikuran siya. Thana, I’m afraid of falling in love with you. “You’re scaring me, so please leave me alone.” I’m afraid of losing you. Please stay. I don’t want history to repeat itself.

“Dhayne, is that what you really want to tell me?” 

Mabilis pa sa alas-kwatro ang pag iling ako. I nervously play with my fingers when I feel her from behind. “Thana,” 

“Stop telling me to leave you alone. You know I can’t do that, right?” her arms wrap around my waist. I swallow hard and stays silent. I don’t know what to do anymore.