Our Fate [OUR SERIES #2]

CHAPTER 19

'Please let me move on.'

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I can't recognize my own feelings anymore. Everytime I think of it, I still wonder what I feel towards Thana. I like the way she treats me, and I know deep inside that I will do everything for us to stay this way. The problem is, I only want us to stay this way. I don't want to go beyond what we have. And I don't want to lose it either. 

And I know that if I won't risk taking it to the next level, I might lose her. I feel so fucked up and frustrated with my own heart. Kung nadidiktahan lang ang nararamdaman… 

I blinked as I shifted my eyes from Thana to Kris and tried to figure out how different they both made me feel. And I became disappointed with how different my heart made me feel with these two. 

"I don't want Gayle to come here and make a scene, Kris." I reminded Kris. 

She knocked on my door early in the morning and asked me if she could stay in my house for the meantime. She was kind of avoiding her wife and refused to reconcile with her. Since Gayle was like her walking CCTV even before, I'm sure that it will not take too long for Gayle to figure out her location. 

"I just want to have peace, Dhayne." It's not like I want her to go away. It's just that I don't want to get involved with them anymore. 

"Then you need to talk to your wife, Professor Muran." I eyed Thana, asking her to stop. Magkatabi lang sila ni Kris sa harap ko. 

"Thana, no." Suway ko. 

"Tell her, Dhayne. Hindi ba't ito naman talaga yung gusto mo Professor Muran? Ang bumalik ang asawa mo? Can't you talk to her and get over it already? Masyado niyong pinapahirapan ang buhay niyo." 

"Thana…" muling suway ko. Nagsisimula nang mainis sa pagmamaldita niya. "I just don't want another misunderstanding, Kris. I hope you understand. Ayokong magkaalitan kami ni Gayle dahil lang dito. I understand that you want to free your mind first, and take your time but I'm sorry." Paghingi ko ng paumanhin. 

Totoong gusto kong nandito siya sa bahay ko. Sino ba naman ang hindi kung ang taong mahal mo ay makakasama mo araw araw. Ngunit gaya ng sinabi ko ay ayokong maging sanhi iyon ng pag aaway namin ni Gayle. 

Isa rin sa rason ay ayokong bigyan ng pagkakataon ang puso kong mas lumalim pa ang nararamdaman sa kanya. I want to move on already, bagay na pitong taon ko nang hindi magawa gawa. Wala man siya, o nakikita ko araw araw ay hindi nagbago ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. Bilang respeto sa sarili ko, sa kanya at kay Gayle, kaya ko siy inaayawan kahit labag man sa loob ko. 

"I understand." Ani Kris. Sumandal siya sa sofa at bahagyang nag isip. 

I turned my gaze to Thana and she rolled her eyes on me. She then stood and left us. 

Noong isang araw, pagkatapos niya 'kong yayaing gumala sa parke ay dito na siya natulog sa bahay ko. Tatlong gabi na kaming laging magkasama at ginagawa na niyang bahay itong bahay ko. I don't mind though. Mas gusto ko ngang ganito. 

Tuesday ngayon at hindi siya pumasok dahil balak niyang dalhin ako sa bahay nila. But then, Kris came habang nag aayos kami kaya naputol iyong lakad namin. Todo arte pa naman siya kay Leigh na masama raw iyong pakiramdam niya yun pala'y hindi lang matutuloy ang lakad namin. 

Alam ko ring naiinis na siya sa presensya ni Kris. Kanina lang nang pumasok ako sa kwarto upang kausapin siya'y agad niya 'kong pinagsabihan. Paano raw kung may nakakita kay Kris na pumasok sa bahay ko, mas lalo raw lalala ang sitwasyon. 

Hindi ko naman binigyan ng pansin ang sinabi niya. Para sa 'kin kasi'y imposible namang may gagawa pa ng ganong bagay. Hindi kami artista para pagpiyestahan at paglaanan masyado ng oras.