Nico asked me if I would still love him if he was an HDMI cord. I don't think he knows what an HDMI cord is. But I told him yes. And we went back and forth for a bit and then all of a sudden I asked Nico if he would love me as a girl. I don't know why... I don't know why I would say that.
Last night when we were falling asleep we had been talking about the wedding and I'm so excited to have a real wedding and not something thrown together in 16 days. But Nico didn't seem excited. And then when we were falling asleep I told Nico goodnight and that I loved him. And they didn't say it back. He didn't say it back. He doesn't love me. He doesn't want to marry me. He hates me. I don't even know why he was here. He doesn't want to marry me. And I wish he would just say it. Oh gods. Oh gods. I had the worst sleep known to mankind. Dread filled me for every second I lay there. This isn't okay. I'm not okay. I thought I was getting better but then this happens and the longer I lay here the worse I feel. I wanna die. But I can't. I have to live. For Kayla, for my kids, for my grandkids. I have to live. But that doesn't make the longing for death any better. Wanting it isn't selfish. But doing it is. If I killed myself Mary would never forgive me. She'd probably be at my funeral yelling about how awful I am. About how much she hates me. And how I'm the worst babbo in the world and that she wishes I never adopted her. I was hesitant to bring three more kids into our house. I couldn't even keep up with the ones we had. But everyday I'm thankful that we did. And I can be thankful for my kids while still having a day where I miss just being the two of us or even the three of us. I can't even take my family out to eat without the wait staff being annoyed because tables have to be moved. I was doing so good 2/3 that's 66% and if today doesn't get better it's down to 2/4. That's 50%. That's not a good outcome. I really need 5/7, 71% to feel like this week was worth it. That's what I need.
What if I just never wake up
