I wish I could die. I wish I could just cease to exist. But then there's the people who might actually miss me. I couldn't leave Kayla like that. She's lost everyone else already. They're finally happy and I can't take that away from her. And Mary would miss me. She might be the only one of my kids that would actually miss me. I can't leave her. If I'm not there to stand up for her, who will? Not nico. Not her teacher. Not her classmates or her siblings. It's me. I'm fighting so she isn't bullied at school. She shouldn't have to worry if her teacher is going to treat her fairly. She needs someone who will love her no matter what. And I admit it's hard to love when you don't feel loved. I don't feel loved. That's why I'm back at camp. I don't feel love from my own husband. I don't feel love from my kids. The only time they "love" me is when they need something from me. They need money, or attention, or for me to buy them something or take them somewhere. They need me to watch their kids or I don't know. I don't feel love. And really i don't know what i feel but it's not what i once felt. Honestly the happiest we've been since we moved out of camp, it wasn't long after James was born. Maybe a week. I had just finished fixing our kitchen at the old house. And had spent the day painting it. And Nico wanted to help me with James but he didn't know how. So I showed him how to bathe him. Earlier the day before, he freaked out because he was watching me change James's diaper and the umbilical cord stump had fallen off and I remember him freaking out in italian. To this day, I have no idea what he was saying, probably something like "oh my gods we broke the baby already" I love him. And I want him to love me. I want him to recognize that I am a person. I need attention. I have wants and needs and a marriage isn't always either giving or receiving. Sometimes you need to do both at the same time and I feel like I am always giving and I'm never receiving. I can't keep living like this. I've talked to him about my needs and how he's neglected them. And all he would say is "i don't know what you want me to say" and "please come home" well maybe i want an apology. Maybe I want things to change. Maybe this life isn't what I was promised. I gave up being a mortal for him. Something that I decided I prefer to being a god. To me, godhood is too much pressure. It's too much expectation, and it's forever. I much prefer something that ends. "Life is precious because it ends" i read that in a book once and i think about it a lot. Life is ONLY precious because it ENDS. with godhood my life loses all meaning. All sense of importance. All preciousness. It's gone because your life never ends. And what if Mary and Phe and Noel choose not to become immortal when whoever decides they're old enough to understand and decide that they can make the choice, what if they choose to remain mortal and I have to watch them die. I'll have to watch Kayla die. And our friends. And more siblings and are frankies kids demigods or are they gods? Will I have to watch them die too? Are her kids part gorgon? What happens if the babies look in a mirror? Where will Mary go if she died today? Would she go to tartarus? Would she go to asphodel? Where would my baby go? Would she be okay? Would she remember that she was loved beyond measure? Do any of us remember our lives when we're dead? Or do we forget so we are not tortured by our memories for eternity. What if you only remember a person if you are together, wherever you go. If you're in elysium together then you remember but everyone else you forget? Nico told Kayla he's been disassociating for a week. He wasn't disassociating when he wanted me to stop studying and give him all my attention. He wasn't disassociating when he begged me and guilted me into becoming a god again. He wasn't dissociating when he told me he didn't know what to say. He wasn't dissociating when he wanted to know how my meeting with Mary's teacher went. He could've come. I took off work multiple days to try and handle that situation. But I think he only cared because I said that Mary didn't have to go to school today. He wasn't disassociating when he needed me. But he wasn't there when I needed him. He always expects me to be there. To drop everything and to run to his side the second he calls my name. But I could beg and beg and beg for him to do something for me. I could cry and yell and scream and he doesn't care. No one in my family does. I can't remember the last time Nico or one of my kids asked how i was or if i was okay or anything. How awful is that? How terrible is it that I can't remember the last time they cared about me when it didn't benefit them. So yeah. If it wasn't for Mary, I think I would just cease to exist. Maybe build a house in tartarus. Or move to olympus. Or build my cabin at camp and just live there. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know for a fact that I can't keep living like this, Where everyday I have to fight with the air, as if it's the most interesting and beautiful thing to ever exist in order to get attention. And I'm tired.
