Oh my gods what did i do
When you thought you were in the good place but it's really the bad place.
Do you know those days when you feel ready to give up. It takes all of your energy just to breathe. And the breathing exhausts you but you're so overwhelmed by the feeling of wishing to not exist that you can't sleep so you just lay there feeling like you're running a marathon both physically and mentally. Somehow Eleanor found out about Livi killing herself and decided to text the group chat and tell everyone. I think it's nice that I'm not the only one bearing that weight anymore. It was too much for me. I don't know what I will do if Livi really kills herself and reincarnates. I can't die like I know i will want to. I just know that, if that happens then everyone is going to relapse. I'm surprised I haven't relapsed. But I don't even have the energy to get out of bed. Today is Thursday, I've been out of bed exactly twice since sunday. Since Easter. And both times were to visit my sister in what might be her new home in a couple of weeks. When we were younger and I would get sad or overwhelmed, Kayla would sit on me. So then at some point it turned into us sitting on each other. Now it's more like I lay on top of her and when I need it she sits directly on my chest. And now... well, not now., but sometime between moving out of camp until about a week ago when i moved into a room down the hall i would have nico either lay on me or sit on me. Sometimes a weighted blanket isn't enough. Now I just have my weighted blanket and then I will get Penelope and Nikolaus and lay them on my chest. It helps a little. Not as much as having a full size adult do it. I'm sure Mary would and she would probably even think it was funny.
Livi is all the time on me about abandonment, when I have never ever abandoned anyone or anything. She's the one that's abandoning everyone. She can't even just be okay with being dead. She has to reincarnate and gods. It makes me so angry. Why can't she just let eleanot be happy with kayla. Why can;t she let anyone be happy? She won't let me be happy. She won't let Nico be happy. Or frankie. Or eleanor. Or kayla. Or james. Or Mary and noel. Or phe. If she does that we will one day have to explain to penelope and Nikolaus who livi was and what happened and when they ask to visit her like we visit others we love in the underworld and we will have to explain that she hated her life so much, that she wanted a new one.
Last night or maybe it was this morning, I can't remember all the days run together. I snapped at livi. And it was all most;ly true and she needed to hear it and the only part I even slightly regret saying is that she is worse than zeus. Idk if she is. I'm not really that close to him. But I know she's more selfish than dad. And it makes me so angry. How did I raise such a selfish child? How did I raise kids that have hate in their heart? That's like the complete opposite of me. I don't think I hate anyone. Not even my mom. And after I snapped at Livi, I went and I snapped at nico. And what I said to him was true as well. The nico I met and fell in love with at camp is not the nico who I live with, not the boy whose room is down the hall. I barely know him. He says he loves me but basically every day since we renewed our vows it feels like I know him less and less.
And then there's what happened today.
I'm laying in bed staring at the ceiling making sure I'm breathing. Sometimes I forget. And nico comes into my room and is like "i'm going out for a few hours" and i ask "where" and he says "out". I don't like that. How can you just leave and not tell anyone where you're going? What if something happens, then what? What are we supposed to do? We would likely have no idea. Then what? I ended up offering the kids money to provide any information on where Nico was or what he was doing, who he was with that sort of thing. I probably offered over $1,000 trying to get info. James ended up $200 richer than he was this morning.
Heres what i learned:
1. Nico was in maine
2. As Nicola
3. He was meeting with a man
4. No one knows who he was
5. Or why they were meeting.
I think he cheated on me.
And now he's back. He swore on the styx that he didn't cheat but I still don't fully believe him. Styx is more lenient on the gods, since you know, we live forever and forever is a really really long time. But he won't answer any of my questions. Why were you in maine "i was meeting someone" no shit sherlock, i already know that. Who were you meeting? "I promised i wouldn't tell" Promised who "no one" why were you dressed up like a woman "you can't know yet" gods you're doing nothing but making me angry. Like imagine if something happened to him and then those questions were never answered. I don't know if I could handle something like that. Honestly I don't even know if i can handle tonight without knowing the answers. My mental state is extremely fragile if you couldn't already tell.
Livi said she needed to talk to me earlier but I was crying because I thought nico cheated on me. I mean like honestly who goes to a different state in secret to meet with a secret man in secret and then refuses to answer any questions about it if you're not cheating. The only person that I even know of that lives in Maine is Frankie and Livi's mom and honestly I don't even know if she still lives there. Anyways, she said she would come back and now that she has she told me that she doesn't have much time and that she doesn't think she can do it. I really do think that she can find happiness elsewhere that she doesn't need Eleanor but she's got it in her head that she does and she's too stubborn to even try anything else. And she's saying things like i've done a lot of research and things like that and she wont give me straight answers. Why won't anyone answer my questions?
My hair has started falling out in chunks. It's probably the stress of knowing in a matter of weeks it's likely that my whole family could be dead. The stress of my marriage being in shambles. The stress of knowing my mental health is bad and already talking to my therapist at least once a day and feels like nothing is moving forward. That everything is getting worse. And I'm not going to lie. It's hard watching my family go down the drain while vie and Kayla are happy. Genuinely happy. I don't think I've seen Kayla this happy since Austin died. Maybe since before then even. But it's hard.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to even leave anymore. I don't even know when the last time I actually ate was... maybe sunday. I'm not doing that on purpose. And Nico is bringing me food. I'm just not hungry. They say that stress and depression can do that to you so i don't know which one has made it this bad, but i want it to stop.
