I'm sorry I'm depressed is a sentence I keep repeating.
Everyone says "it's not your fault" "don't apologize" "you can't help it" but then it makes me feel even worse because i know that it's an inconvenience to everyone.
I barely get out of bed, I sometimes eat, I mostly just cry or stare at the wall or the ceiling. I try to force myself to stay awake during the day, but it's hard and then sometimes I sleep all night. But then sometimes I just lay there awake staring at nico, or the wall, or the ceiling.
I haven't written in so long because my depression has just been overwhelming which is when I should be writing the most. But I haven't. I'm going to Try to write more. But no promises. Maybe I will go back and try to fill in the entries. My pages are already dated anyways.
I'm trying to fill them in the best I can, my memory is a little fuzzy, so I might write something on the wrong day. Dying can do that to you.
James is dating Estelle and he got mad at me because I was unable to be more excited for him. He's always mad at me, I don't know why today would be any different.
Today is Austin's birthday. He would be 17. I wonder how his mom was? I should've called her. I remember having to call her and tell her that he died. It's hard to think about Austin without hearing her scream and sobs over the phone. I called from under my bed. Where I spent days. I don't know if Kayla knows that I was the one who called. I don't know if Latricia knew I was his brother. I cried when I found out for a while. But then I couldn't cry anymore. I had to take care of everyone else. I had to take care of my siblings. I had to take care of Nico. I didn't have time to process. I couldn't do anything for myself. I had to think about breathing. If I wasn't thinking about it then I wasn't breathing. I had to run the infirmary. I had to manage the cabin. I had no choice but to be okay. I had to be so that everyone else felt safe to not be okay.
I played with phoebe today to try to distract me from the day. I wasn't thinking about the 21st. All I could think about was how I wished I was dead, how my brother is dead. And I needed to focus everything on Phoebe.
She shit all over me. All over her. All over the sheets, how did she have so much shit in her. I had no choice but to get out of bed and shower. The first one since before livi tried to kill herself again.
