I miss having sex but at least I don't wanna die anymore and I think that's pretty cool.
I've been alone all day. In some ways it's been one of the hardest. It's almost 2 and I'm lying here wide awake, unable to sleep in a room alone. I haven't slept in a room alone since I was 10. That's 8 years of always sharing a room. And when I used to tour with my mom we shared hotel rooms and tour buses. I remember how excited I was the first time that I got my own bunk. It was so good I could stay up late and read my books. I miss my mom. Or I don't know if I miss her or if I miss having a mom. Or the idea of my mom, the mom I thought I knew. Another wedding without her. And to think that's what started our falling out. I have 7 precious children that she didn't get to meet. And I think James would have rather not met her.
A wedding.
I'm getting married In 4 days.
I've been stressing a lot about that today. All the final touches are arriving and not being able to see them is making me crazy. Centerpieces, tablecloths, candles, OH GODSOHGODS OHGODSOHGODS UNITY CEREMONY I FORGOT ropes candles sand plate I can't remember if I ordered the stefana crowns. This is so stressful. The martyrika is supposed to be there Friday, these delays are killing me. They were supposed to be here two weeks ago. And if they're not here I hope the gods don't strike me down. I can't wait to do the dollar dance with Nico. I don't remember if I told him about it. But I'll need to. I got a piece of iron to put in my pocket. It's the one my dad gave me before the first one. It's supposed to ward off evil. We deserve that. I think Nico and I will hold hands instead of wrists. I don't know this seems like stuff we should've talked about before so that I wasn't lying here panicking about it. An important part of Greek weddings is that after the ceremonies everyone dined at one table, in ancient times, it was men on one side and women on the other, but we're letting them sit wherever they want. I wonder if Nico is wearing black. It's a custom in Venice (Venetian?) weddings. We're getting married on Sunday because Italians view it as the luckiest day. Even though we really wanted to get married on the spring equinox, Tuesday is a weird day to get married. Kayla's dad got married on a Friday and I'm worried for him because Fridays are the unluckiest day to get married on. OUR VASE I hope it's arrived and hasn't been used. If not, we will have to go buy one on Friday. There's a dance. Named after a spider that Nico's Italian friends said it's important for a wedding... recluse... widow... TARANTULA. I hate that it's named after a spider but it is what it is. I'm finally starting to fall asleep. So I'm going to try to sleep. At least for a bit.
