May the fourth be with you.
It's Star Wars day.
It's exactly 267 days since he died.
This has been the hardest day since I came out from under my bed a week after he died.
I've always had a star wars marathon, I used to have them with mom, even when she was on tour. She would never have a show on May 4th. After I came to camp, I had them with my siblings. Well, mostly kayla and austin, occasionally others joined for a movie, or a couple of years nico joined. But this year without Austin and Kayla in Canada, it made it even worse.
Actually, it's not just the lack of siblings today. It's everything that is happening around me.. WIth livi threatening to kill herself every other day, knowing Kayla's mental health was bad, the book coming out and everyone talking about my trauma and judging my choices. Something has been up with Nico as well, but he's back to not really talking to me. But then last night Kayla tried to hang herself, and I did something awful. I made a joke. I asked her why she didn't call me, or nico, he would've told her how to tie it correctly. What the fuck was i thinking. Why the fuck would i say that. And then right after I take Kayla to her dads, I get a text from James saying he was going to the hospital because he has internal bleeding. And he wont tell me why.
Gods i miss my brother. I miss all my siblings, but today I miss Austin the most. I miss them everyday. Some Days I can almost forget that they're dead, especially since I moved out of camp. I think I trick myself into believing they just don't have drachmas to iris messages and they still don't have phones or their phones are broken. I don't know. I just think that they can't talk. I know i should grieve, and that this isn't grieving but the minute i start thinking about everyone who i love that is dead or dying i start to shut down or even worse, I relapse.
So to try to channel my grief in a healthy way, I will try to write down some of my favorite memories.
I was 9 the first time I came to camp, Lee took me on a tour of camp. I was claimed as soon as I stepped in the camp's boundaries. But Chiron joked saying that he knew who my dad was just by looking at me
Michael used to cut my hair for me every couple of weeks when we were at camp together.
One time, Nico and I put fake snakes in Austin's bed. I don't remember why we did it, but it was so funny.
Michael was there the first time I ever spoke to Nico, the first time he came to camp.
Michael and Lee never knew I liked boys, or maybe they did. They would have loved it.
Austin used to make fun of me for trying to eat healthy. He always complained that my cupcakes were actually muffins.
I can't keep doing this. It's too hard. I thought if i tried to talk about it, then maybe i would feel better, but in reality i would rather be back telling Gorgyra stories to borrow her boat to sail into tartarus.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm not honoring you guys. I'm sorry I'm not grieving you. I'm sorry that you died and didn't get to come to my wedding or meet my kids or grandkids. Or tell me how stupid I was for even thinking about going to tartarus. I'm sorry, I miss you, and I love you.
Maybe next year, star wars day will not have shrunk, but maybe grown.
