BLACK ROSE

The personal tourist guide pt. 1

Ashley. 

The reflection in the mirror is unfamiliar. It's still the same person, it's still me staring back at me. My hair is the same, the eye shape and eye colour is unchanged as well. I have the same facial features as always. I'm still me, yet the reflection isn't reflecting me. My body's just a shell for what is supposed to be – a consciousness and a soul, a mind with thoughts.

Who am I even looking at?

I reach for an orange coloured shirt and put it on. I'm all in orange today – lose orange shorts with a matching orange shirt. A part of me considers myself childish, the other sees something fashionable in it.

For the past fifteen minutes I have been pacing back and forth in my room, covering every inch possible, in an attempt to call down my beating heart and anxious mind. Neither has had success, with each passing second I feel worse and worse.

What are we even doing?

Whatever game Alex's playing with me I shouldn't be playing along. I know submitting myself to the rules each and every time is foolish of me, a mistake with terrible consequences. Yet I find myself playing along, although I'm clueless as to what the purpose is. There can't be a winner at the very end, but Alex's winning now. He's got a dangerous and strange hold of me, a hold that's making me act out of my comfort zone. I barely recognise the emotions and thoughts I have around him.

From a stranger to a dealer to a... friend? Are we on a path of building a friendship? It's a mess, the relationship we have now. He's a dealer of mine, one that I've seen only once for business. He's Mae's best friend and boy I'm falling for. No matter what label I put on him, at the end of the day he's my dealer and should be a good enough warning. A warning that doesn't do anything to me at all.

The sound of an incoming call brings me back to reality. Alex's name lights up the screen as I nervously accept the call, only for him to tell me he's outside. My heart starts to beat out of my chest, sweat covers my whole body and my breathing becomes uneven. I lose the balance in my knees and have to sit down for a moment. With closed eyes I count to ten three times before forcing myself to stand up, grab my things, look at myself the last time, and leave.

My eyes land on the black motorbike before I pay attention to Alex himself. He's leaning against it, patiently waiting for me to arrive. A smile resting on his face with a playful smirk in his eyes.

I shake my head before he says anything.

"Hello to you too," he mocks me.

My eyes linger on the motorbike, thoughts flowing back to Friday. It's like I'm trapped in the same fear as then. My thoughts travel back to the bonfire. To his friends, to the atmosphere, and the jokes, to the welcoming feeling. But mostly back to the kiss. To the feeling of Alex's lips on mine, the hungry and needy kiss, the burning desire. His hands cupping my cheeks and gripping my hips. The feeling of his hair between my fingers.

Seeing him standing in front of me brings me back to reality, yet at the same time it awakens the desire to kiss him again. I fight the feeling and step closer.

"Can't we take the subway?"

Alex laughs. "No, Ashley, we cannot. What are you so scared of?"

I shrug. "Do you realise how easy it is to die on those things? The statistics..."

"I hate to break it to you, but you can die in the car or on the subway too."

"Yes, but the probability...."

He interrupts me again. "You only live once, don't you? Do you not trust me?"

He didn't kill me last time, that's true. I survived the ride with no injury. Not once did he put us in any threatening situation.

Yet I don't answer his question.

"I take your silence as a good enough answer," he gets on the bike, handing me the same helmet as last time. "Get on, Ashley."

I swallow hard and get on the bike. I wrap my hands around his waist, already tightening my grip. I know what's awaiting me.

********

The first stop is the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, chosen by me. I'm not normally interested in plants and gardens, but I've always wanted to visit these gardens. For an unknown reason these gardens attract me.

Alex follows after me, taking too many photos. Never enough photos, Alex says, and I'm fairly sure he quoted Mae. I try to argue with him at first, but eventually give up, understanding he's too stubborn.

It's a calming walk through the gardens, the air a little bit different than outside. I stop by a few plants and arrangements every once in a while, admiring them in silence. Alex barely starts a conversation and I'm still too nervous.

"What's the next stop?" Alex asks, getting back on his bike. He told me to think about what I wanted to see, and I made a mental list of my top priorities. A little childish, perhaps and a little stupid. But in the moment of deciding, they seemed perfect. He warned that one day certainly wouldn't be enough to see enough, not even my top ten priorities. My heart skipped a couple of beats at the thought of him guiding me around New York again.

"The ZOO."

"The ZOO? Aren't you a little...."

I interrupt him. "Shut up, no one's ever too old for the ZOO."

He nods, smiling at me. "As you say, angel."

I wonder where my enthusiasm and fascination with the ZOO stems. There's something comforting about taking a walk in the area every once in a few years. Something that brings me back to my childhood days and reminds me of the happy family moments.

I wonder how Alex can act so calm and collected, as if nothing has happened between us. He's making me question if it all wasn't just a fantasy of mine. I'm not the one to be making conclusions in his name, but kissing someone twice, hungrily initiating a make out session the second time... he could at least show some emotions. He's like a God of sex, but a God that rarely speaks and never shows his emotions, only leads you on and teases you. We never took it further than kisses, though the last time... in that little room with a tiny couch presses against the wall, we weren't close from fucking.

"Do you want a plushie too?" Alex's voice brings me back to reality. I furrow my eyebrows, confused.

"Are you getting a plushie for yourself?" Before he can ask me, I'm possessed by whatever demon usually possesses him, and I mock him. "Do you still sleep with plushies, Alex? Aren't you a little too old for that?"

He rolls his eyes with his typical smirk. A smirk I could kill for. "No, Ashley, it's for my little sister."

"You don't have to lie to me, you know. I won't judge."

He laughs, taking a step closer. The only thing between us now is the pink flamingo plushie in his hand. "I know you wouldn't." He winks at me, turning around and paying for the little plushie.

He has a sister; I repeat in my mind. A little baby sister.

We walk around the whole ZOO, getting ice cream twice, and stopping by a few animals for a little longer, otherwise talking the whole time. For someone who doesn't talk much, he seems to be leading the conversations quite often. The more time I spend with him, the more I feel myself opening up to him. The calmer the storm of emotions in my chest gets. Though his interpretation of leading a conversation means he's mocking me, teasing me and flirting with me.

Once we're done with walking through the whole ZOO, Alex announces he's hungry. My stomach rumbles just as he finishes his sentence, reminding me I need food too. I let Alex guide the way to a small Asian restaurant in a quiet area. Halfway on our way do I realise I've already lived here for two months, yet most city parts are still unfamiliar to me. I'm like a tourist trying to get around, although they probably do a better job than me.

We enjoy our lunch mostly in comfortable silence, which surprises me. I was worried a tense and awkward atmosphere would be accompanying us the whole day. There's no pressure from his side to answer his questions and I try to keep mine as innocent as possible. Though we're not finding ourselves in awkward situations, it's impossible to hide the strangely tense occasional connection we have.