BLACK ROSE

Everything is pink

Ashley.

I still hate this place.

I still hate this new house. I thought I picked a house that wouldn't remind me of Florida. Yet the longer I'm stuck in here, the more I feel claustrophobic and nostalgic.

Most things are still unpacked, safely stored away in the moving boxes. I haven't had the energy to unpack them, and I told Elena to not touch them. My father hasn't been home most of the time, and Clark has offered to help me. I push all their attempts to make it easier for me away.

How am I supposed to forget about Florida, when this house is more identical to our old house than I like? Another big backyard, another big swimming pool no one's ever going to use. A home spa just because we're rich. A room for my father and his business friends with a pool table and expensive alcohol, decorated in shiny leather. A home cinema for me and my friends I still haven't made.

The exterior might be completely different, the city might be bigger, but essentially I chose the same house. The same rooms we'll never use. I'm still alone every day, he still doesn't seem to care. Continuing to buy me everything I want doesn't work anymore. It's only a way to boost his ego.

I experience a strong guilt as I stroll through the house. I have everything I want, everything's so shiny and new, so expensive and elegant. With a blink of an eye I could have almost everything I looked at. Still, there are people out there who need financial support. Who can barely secure themselves some food on their table. It's not my money, I know. It's my father's money, but not even that can change the guilt.

Someone once told me to be glad for the family I was born into and take advantage of it. She, sadly, meant it in a negative way, however at the core her words weren't wrong. She said to take everything I can get my hands on and to be grateful for everything my father gives me. I, of course, am more than grateful for the family I was born into and for everything my father gives me. But sometimes I want his presence, his attention more than his money.

********

I take my towel and open the big glass door to the backyard. The swimming pool looks so peaceful and imaginary. The moon's shining down on it, the blue lights illuminating the water. I crawl inside and shivers run down my spine immediately. It's ice cold at first, but my body slowly gets used to the temperature. I thought the water was set to a higher temperature. I swim a little bit, but I'm no expert so I end up just staying in the water. It's sad to be in a pool at night alone, with no one to talk to. If I'd manage to make some friends I could invite them.

It's late when I go inside. I dry my hair and sit in silence on my bed. Physically I'm tired, but mentally not so much. My thoughts are pacing around in big circles, giving me no rest when the sun sets down. It's always the same questions, just usually formulated differently. The answers, though, never appear. At times like these I feel like my past is haunting me. I'm a prey that's soon going to die. No matter where I run off to, it'll always be right behind me.

What I do next is wrong. I know it's wrong and I know very well what I'm doing. There should exist something else, but this is the only way I know. The only way I can cope with the demons. For a while they turn to angels.

I open the drawer in my bedside table, lift the bottom up and take out my little deadly secret. Without any hesitation I put it in my mouth and wait for it to do its magic.

The world starts to spin, slowly at first. Then the colours appear. First the cold colours, then the warm ones. Pink is the one I see the most. It's so vibrant and so beautiful. I've never seen pink this way. Everything surrounding me is pink in some way. The walls are pastel pink with blue and purple dots. The usually dark night sky is red and green, a terrible combination, but I can still see pink. My clothes are pink. Everything is pink, everything is magical. An intergalactic pink. I can see unicorns, rainbows, flowers and hearts. Vibrant blue butterflies start to appear and suddenly they are flying everywhere. They are sitting on every piece of furniture I have. They're flying in and out through my open window.