BLACK ROSE

Too late......

Ashley. 

One second it seems my life is finally going well. It's no longer a jungle of confusion and emotions controlling me. It's turning into a clear meadow with beautiful flowers and butterflies and a shining sun. Slowly I'm getting my life together and things are finally starting to work my way.

Then the next second a big dark cloud covers the whole sky, and a thunderstorm erupts. I'm back in the jungle, only this time it's darker and thicker and bigger. I'm stuck in it, unable to make my way out as fear and anger trap me completely.

In that second it feels like everything I've tried to build falls apart. Crumbles like a fragile sand castle.

I've been ignoring her phone calls for days. The same number lighting up my screen numerous times a day, always ringing for over a minute. If only she had the same patience and determination when she lived with us.

I don't want to accept the phone call but a tiny voice, somewhere in the back of my mind, whispers 'she's your mother' over and over again. I don't consider her my mother anymore. She's just a woman who gave birth to me, but that doesn't make her my mother. She gave up on me, decided a long time ago I wasn't worth her time and love.

It would be ten times better if Leo's name lit up the screen. Anyone's name, but not hers. More than anything I want her gone, for good. Convincing myself she had died worked just fine. Deep down I knew it wasn't true, but it was easier to believe than wonder why she left. She's a chapter in my life I want to close for good.

"What do you want?"

My dad told me it's up to me whether I accept her call or not. I'm old enough to make my own decisions. And unlike my mother, he'd respect whatever I'd do.

"Ashley.." Our voices are the exact opposites. While mine's angry and harsh, emotionless, hers soft and calm, almost as if tears are watering her eyes. "I was.... I was thinking we could meet and talk.... "

"No," I say sternly. "I don't want to see you. Haven't you already understood that?"

"Please." Her voice breaks. A tiny crack that doesn't go unnoticed. But it's too late for me to care. She can bail her eyes out it it'll make her feel better. "Please, let me explain it all."

"I don't want you explanation. I don't need it. You made a decision to leave me, I understand that much."

"I owe you an explanation."

I shake my head; glad she can't see the disgusted face of mine. "I don't want your explanation. I don't care why you did what you did. You made a decision without thinking about me."

She begs me to meet her. Repeats over and over to let her explain it all to me, how she's sorry and how she wishes to take it back. A few years ago I'd care, I'd want her explanation. I desperately needed to know why she did it, I needed to hear it from her. But I don't care anymore.

She makes me so angry I can't stand it anymore. repeating her lies over and over again, like a broken record stuck on the most annoying part of the song.

"Shut up!" I half yell. "If I meet with you, will you leave me alone? Will you finally disappear from my life?"

I don't care that my words might hurt her, I just need it to be over with. I just want her gone.

There's a long pause before she answers, whispers. "Yes."

"Fine." I tell her to meet me in thirty minutes at the café. Then I hang up.

My hands start to shake, and my chest tightens. My heart starts to beat like crazy, the heartbeat echoing in my ears. My vision gets blurry and it feels like I'm going to suffocate. I can feel my eyes getting damp, but I forbid myself to cry. She's not worth my tears.