BLACK ROSE

Only a friendly shoulder to cry on

Ashley. 

I stare at the kitchen counter as if it holds all the answers to my questions. Like it can solve all the mysteries Alex brings along. I stare at it hoping I'll finally understand it all.

And I stare at it remembering what happened.

Chills run down my spine when I think of his touch.

And a feeling of desire awakens.

Desiring Alex's touch and presence is a daring thing to do. It's something I shouldn't be thinking of. I shouldn't be thinking about my dealer. At the end of the day, he's still my dealer and I'm still his customer. Some rules cannot be broken.

"What are you staring at?" Elena asks as she walks by. She's carrying a vase of flowers, tulips the colour of a sunset.

"Ehm.. nothing." I stutter. "I was just thinking."

"Thinking about what?"

"A new choreography we're rehearsing with Jonah."

She nods with a smile on her face. I'm amazed how she always has that professional smile on her face. I remain in the kitchen for a while, watching her arranging the flowers and thinking about the burned waffle.

When Elena looks at me again, I turn around and run away. Any second spent there only hurts. The more I think about that night and morning, the more confused and hurt I get. At first I told myself it didn't mean anything. I told myself it was a pointless one night stand, something that would only happen once. He never had to tell me, I always knew he strictly followed his rule of not sleeping with customers.

And that night he broke it.

Was it just because he was horny and got caught up? I've been trying to wrap my mind around it for days now. Every time I think I'm finally one step closer to understanding him, he suddenly disappears a thousand miles away. Everything I knew up until that moment no longer makes any sense.

I don't know for how long I can play this emotional game of his.

It's not enough that I think about him day and night, the image of him on his knees is forever printed in my head.

When I close my eyes I'm instantly taken back to five nights ago.

There's no place in this huge house where I don't feel trapped. Where the walls don't seem to be closing in on me, where the air isn't leaving the room and my lungs aren't getting tighter. He's only left his mark in two rooms, yet it feels like he's marked every single room his. Everywhere I go I feel his presence.

And it's driving me insane.

My heart's beating out of my chest and I feel like it might stop any second. I grab my phone and keys, the nearest hoodie and run down the stairs. I announce my decision to leave the house alone at night to no one.

I want to shout from frustration. Let it all out. But I'm keeping it inside, and it's starting to burn. A suffocating feeling is spreading in my chest. A feeling I don't like. A feeling I want to get rid of.

I want to run off to somewhere where my memories aren't haunting me.

There are only two people I could call now, and one of them is the reason I'm like this. I want to hate him, at least dislike him. I want to feel at least some hatred towards him, but I feel none.

I dial Mae's number, but it goes straight to voicemail. She's been ignoring me for two days now, keeping me anxious and scared.

I need to stop thinking about Alex. It's doing me no good. The longer I spent thinking about what happened between us, the more questions I get. Sadly, no answers follow along and that only makes me feel worse.