Connected.

Chapter 6: Identifying my identity

That night I spent my time overthinking everything I had done to the point where I started to realize some important things about myself.
I was so obsessed with the feeling of love that I lost my sense of self to the point where I was unaware of my own wretchedness.
I decided to do some research about my feelings, and I came upon this website who had a list of questions to ask yourself to realize who you really are and what is your potential.
I quickly started writing the questions on paper, but struggled to answer them.
The first few questions were commonly asked questions, like 'What is your favorite color?', or 'What is your favorite food?'.
But when I got to the fifth question, I panicked.
The question was: 'What makes you the happiest and what makes you the saddest?'.
For what makes me the happiest, I instantly thought of Astrophel. But...
It felt wrong when I said that.
I tried to think of something or someone else.
But nothing came into my mind...
And then it clicked. The feeling of unhappiness I had been living with my entire life had finally been recognized. I started bursting out in tears.
While I buried my face into my pillow I swore to myself to never love anyone else again but myself.
And then I asked myself, 'How do I start loving myself?'.
I quickly went to the bathroom and got undressed from head to toe.
I examined every little inch of my physique, that looked like a corpse at the time due to the lack of sleep and all of the stress.
TW:BODY DYSMORPHIA AND SELF HARM!
My face was fine, but when I got to my breasts I couldn't figure out why I wasn't pleased with them.
I liked them on other people but not on me.
I thought to myself 'I wish I didn't have these ball-sack looking things on my chest.
They don't look good on me.'
I went on the internet to try and find out why I wish I had a flat chest. All the websites I visited told me that I was trans.
I denied what the website told me, thinking 'There's no way that I am a boy, I just don't like the size my breasts are.
That's it! I want them bigger!'
And so that following week I wore a pushup bra two sizes bigger than my actual breasts.
But I quickly went to my senses and knew that I didn't want them to be bigger, I wanted them to be non-existent.
And so, here I was, once again, in the bathroom.
Undressed, and trying to find out more about myself.
I ignored my breasts, because I was going to 'figure them out later'.
When I got to my stomach, I was admiring my youthful figure. But when I got to my front bottom.....
I froze. The only thing I could think about is 'this is not how my body should look like.
I don't want this on my body.
Someone take it off! This is not my body!'.I can clearly remember I was in fight or flight mode with myself that day.
And so I took some tiny scissors from my bottom drawer and I dragged it around my private area creating the outline of a heart..
Then I went on to my breasts and cut slits on the bottom of both, then on my lower stomach creating a smile.
I remember feeling the rush of adrenaline in my veins, which made me indure the pain and want more.
So, anytime my scars would heal, I would slit them open again.
I can still feel the burning whenever my clothes would rub against my scars.
I did this for a few months, and I only stopped because my best friend, Emmerson, found out and begged me to stop while sobbing. Emmerson swore to help me find out who I am, since I have been helping them with their identity since we were in the first year of highschool.
Emmerson sat me down and asked me some questions about myself.
I responded to the questions truthfully, because I trust them with my whole life.
Later on, they asked me why I self harmed. I told them it's because I hated the way my body looked while a tear streamed down my cheek.
I even told them that I denied wanting to be a boy.
And they looked frightened yet excited at the same time. Their eyes lit up, and they told me, 'If you feel like a boy, you are a boy.
If you ignore your feelings forever you are never going to be happy. The best gift in life is finding yourself and being proud of who you are!'.
I responded saying 'Does not liking your private parts, clothes you wear, hating your body and your name mean I'm trans?'.
Emmerson stated 'Yes, you just described most of the things you feel when you have gender dysphoria. You are trans. Trust me, I know. You know I'm non binary myself.
Not to be confused with being trans, of course. What name should I call you?'.
I told them in an excited tone: ' How about we look at names online?'.
Emmerson said 'Ah, the nostalgia this brings me!'.
We looked at a bunch of names, but the name that stuck out the most is 'Zephyr'.
Both Emmerson and I loved that name.
'Meaning:West wind.
Zephyr is a gender-neutral name of Greek origin.'
Emmerson and I jumped when we saw what it meant.
We celebrated me finding out who I am by drinking some kids' champagne and listening to our favorite songs.
It was a good night.
But I was worried about coming out. So I asked Emmerson if they came out and they told me that they did not, but they plan on doing it while in college.
So I did the same.
I didn't realize that I forgot to tell Astrophel.
But I decided to do that later.