Connected.

32. Struggles

I didn't think being an adult was hard. I was just thinking about the fact that I was going to do whatever the fuck I wanted.
But it definitely didn't work like that...
I remember the first bill I had to pay. It was a horrible experience because I have always been a person to not learn things easily because of my hiperactive mind. I had my mom and Belial tell me the exact steps of how to pay my credit card bill because I didn't remember what the lady from the bank told me and I've had them wrote the steps down!
The hardest part for me was the urge to do things that I wasn't allowed as a kid.
I was laying down on my bed one night, struggling to sleep, when a thought of 'sneaking out' of my own house came to my mind. Then I immediately realized I couldn't sneak out of my own house and now I was allowed to go out whenever I want. I messaged my group that I haven't seen since graduation and only Seth was awake.
They were sleeping next to Alexander, which had the weirdest sleeping positions, Seth sent some pictures of Alexander sleeping in the group chat. I went out with them that night, when another urge hit me. It was the urge to smoke. I then realized that being with my childhood friends made me have a lust for things that comforted me in the past. I couldn't fucking bear that thought, but it was nice having one of my close friends besides me while I was almost going to hit rock bottom.
Me and Seth talked from one a.m. in the morning all up to five a.m., only chatting about how our lives changed after the last time we saw each other.
The next morning I had rehearsal and it went great.
There was a lot I admired about adult life, I was going to parties every month, I was traveling to different cities with my band and with my favorite person in the whole world. I didn't want more.
Even if the inside my head was a mess that I couldn't organize, I was thankful of what I had, because there were times that I didn't have anything than a war happening inside my soul.

Author's note:
Don't get me wrong, there are enjoyable things about being an adult too. For example: people treat you with more respect and you hear things from older people that you would've never heard when you were younger, you can go to clubs, you don't have to sneak out and you can basically do what you want except for committing crimes.