Connected.

Chapter 5:And so we meet again

It was a rainy Saturday morning,I had just been woken up by the sounds of screaming downstairs.
Turns out my parents were hosting the anual family gathering this year.
The screaming I heard were my little cousins playing in my parents' bedroom.
I went for a walk in the park because I needed some time for myself.
And time away from those animals I call family members.
I went to the store I always go to, the one where I met Astrophel, to buy a new pack of cigarettes like I always do.
While I was paying, I thought of calling Astro to see what he was doing.
But, once again, this boy was standing outside the store lighting up a new fag.
-Long time no see, Gis! He says excitingly.
Astrophel caressed his lips onto my hand.
-I was just about to call you, Astro! You're almost always there when I think about you!
-What do you mean almost? Is there a time I couldn't be there for you? Said Astrophel while scratching the back of his head.
-It's kind of embarrassing, can we forget about it? I responded while looking down with embarrassment.
-Bought a new pack of cigarettes,I see. How many do you smoke a day? Asked Astrophel with a bold expression on his face.
-It depends. When I'm stressed I smoke up to two packs a day, but when I'm having a good day I only smoke half of a pack. I've been having only good days since I met you,you know? I stated with aplomb.
-I'm glad I make you happy,but one day you will not need me anymore, Gis. Once you realize what's really happening you must let me go. Explained Astrophel while holding both of my hands and looking into my eyes.
-What do you mean by that, Astro? Why do I have to let you go? And what do I have to realize? Tell me Astrophel,tell me!
Until I could have said any other word Astrophel kissed me.
Before he left he said the words 'You will find out at the right time. I promise.'
I went home listening to music and bursting out into tears, because this was the first time I had experienced love, and in such a tragic way.
I can not deny that I completely adulated this guy.
TW: DISORDERED EATING AND SELF HARM!
After I got home I felt a void in my heart.
I felt like I was the problem all along and that every little thing that is unpleasant in the world was because of me.
I began binging on food because that day I felt a void in my heart.
And so I filled it with food.
I filled it with food so much that I began to throw up. I regret my decision now, but I was looking for a way to hurt myself back then.
At the time I didn't acknowledge it, but I was constantly looking for ways to try and hurt myself.
Everytime I would go to the kitchen, I struggled cutting things because I had an urge to do it to myself. I even heard some voices and had some hallucinations of people who traumatized me telling me to slit my wrists open until I see my adipose tissue.
But I could never get to the adipose tissue.
And I'm glad I didn't because, let me say it.
Recovery is hard. But hurting yourself is much worse.

Author's note:
I need to have a word on this because I know some of the people who are reading this are self harming, are in recovery, or are recovered.
You are valid, you are loved and you are appreciated. Your trauma does not define you and your illness does not define you.
You do not need to hurt yourself because you feel guilty about something bad you did out of accident, or just to feel something.
And I know telling you that you can get help is useless, because you may not have the support you need to get the help that you need, but I am going to tell you that you can help yourself. And if you have someone that you trust enough to get you to stop, tell them. Don't overthink it. Just do it. But make sure that the person you tell is a person that will at least try to help you and won't tell a whole city about how you self harm.
If you don't want to stop, ask yourself why.
If you said'I deserve it.' NO YOU DON'T!
You're not the problem if you think this way, and if you are, there are ways that you can make up for the problem you have caused, and self harming is definitely NOT one of them.
I cherish you and love you.