Wildflowers

Chapter 8- Naked in front of you, can you see me?

Alexandra June 28th

I hand a customer her order, as the door to the cafe open, a group of people walking in. If it isn't our gang of Sunday clubbers then I don't know who they are.

"Came for a hot espresso on this blazing summer day?" I counter them.

"Absolutely, Sweetheart!" Steven confirms. The group all standing by the counter now.

"We came to see how you're doing" Inez says. As if she wasn't the one to almost die Monday morning.

"Moral support I see" I say. Honestly, I'm a little surprised that they are here. To see me, for me. We didn't become any close during the night we spent together, I was mostly with my trio, occasionally conversing with others, a lot less. That was only because of my state, my nerves having been swept away.

"Exactly, exactly!" Davian confirms.

They order their drinks, me keeping myself busy filling their order. At least they weren't out of their minds wanting hot drinks. I place the last one on the counter for Davian, "There ya go!"

"Alexandra, when do you get off?" he asks.

"In an hour, why?" Tuesdays and Wednesdays are short days for me.

"What are you doing after? We're going to mine for a BBQ, you're invited"

I look at Myles offering me a encouraging smile, I huff a breath and turn back to Davian, "I don't think if I'll be there, I'm pretty tired already, some another time surely"

"You can relax there, we won't have some big party or anything" he convinces.

"I'll think about it, I'm gonna let you know." I tell him.

The truth is that I indeed am tired. I'm exhausted from work, we're short on staff and I'm running around like a headless chicken, and I'm still new at this, so it's still a little confusing to me. And it's more into the summer and the weather is getting hotter, it's all tiring. And the anxiety, becoming an adult is scary. I don't feel good about it all.

"You do that, see ya'!" We bid our goodbyes and they're gone.

***

They're mean again. He's being mean again, he always finds a way to ruin the day. I was better lately, no longer as I see. Addiction is an illness, I'll be damned if I let it drown me. If I let it get to me. It runs in the genes, from both sides of my family.

Today being my birthday didn't stop him having his own fun. Growing up with it being your normal, ruins you. It ruined me. I'll never get my childhood back, it was ripped from me. I want away from it.

I want away from it all.

I have always believed in Karma, If you do something, it comes back to you. But I don't know what to believe anymore. What did I do to deserve it? Nothing. I was never naive enough to blame myself for the childhood I got. I don't know if I blame my parents for it. Him? Yes, he could've done better, he could've listened to others, he could've gotten help, he could've got better. He didn't.

Blame her? Sometimes I do, then I also doubt if I should. I can see her point of view, I can understand how it is for her.

But you don't get to be scared, you don't get to be afraid, if your family, your kids are involved. Maybe it's just me being cruel, not being understanding enough.

Maybe it's the truth. I would've done anything to ensure that my kids are safe, that they aren't afraid.

But I'm not her, I'll never be.