Downhill From Here

51. Explain it to me then

A/N: the song is basically Bowie's POV in a nutshell.

Quote of the chapter:
"Every time I get too close,
I just go mess it up." - Gracie Abrams

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Bowie's POV

My ears were ringing.

I lifted my head from his chest and slowly stood up, moving to lean against my dresser. I needed distance to get through this conversation.

I couldn't think straight when he was touching me.

My whole body ached from the practice I had this morning and my stomach was hurting from all of the wine. The stabbing pain in my lower abdomen reappeared, making my mouth dry and my teeth clench.

"What did you lie about?" I could hear the uncertainty in his voice like he wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer to his own question.

"My mom," I stared. It was always going to go back to her. None of it made sense without her involvement. "Remember when I told you that she died on Red Mountain?"

He nodded his head, leaning his elbows on his knees, leaning towards me. Our feet were only a couple of centimeters apart.

I could tell that he hated being far from me, even though the distance was small.

"Well, she did die that day on the mountain, but she would've died about a couple months later." It was the first time I'd said that in a long time.

"What do y'a mean?"

"She never told us but she had ovarian cancer," I explained. "Stage 4."

His brows raised in surprise. "Damn."

"Yeah, the doctor gave her a few months to live and we never knew." My hand snaked around my belly and I waited for the pain to lower into a dull ache before continuing. "It wasn't until after that we found out and by then it didn't really matter. She took her future into her own hands."

There were so many 'what if's' that had crossed my mind back then. Would it have made a difference in our relationship if I knew that she was dying?

"That must've been really hard...finding out after everything." His voice was soft and comforting, as he looked at me with care in his eyes.

I didn't have to look down to know that his hand was somewhere near my knee, hovering, waiting for the signal to touch me.

"Then my grandma started talking about how the BRCA1 gene actually runs in our family so it made sense."

"Did she ever—?"

"No, she's always at risk as a carrier but she never had cancer." She's told me a thousand times that she wished it was her instead of me.

"You have so much life to live babygirl, I don't understand why this is happening to you and not me."

"And being the only biological daughter my mom had—"

"You carry the gene..." he concluded, a frown on his face. He exhaled and wore a sympathetic expression. "It must be scary knowing that you're at risk."

"60%," I sais feeling my eyes already starting to burn with tears.

He was making this harder, looking at me like that.

Then a sudden realization passed across this face and he ran a hand over his mouth, his face going pale.

A cold sweat broke out across my back and I swallowed the lump in my throat.