Gender fluid Diaries

I've been thinking

Ive been thinking about a lot of things.
As i usually.

Ive been thinking about how whenever i express that im feeling depressed, my mother always talks more.
Fills the stagnant silence with words as if to distract from the reality that she passed this down to me from her.
A gift as deadly as life itself.
As if my birthday meant she could unload it onto myself.

I think about how i have friends who has never tasted the blood of self hate.
Never heard the heartfelt monologues of how terrible of a person is looking in the mirror.
Never once wished they could change.
Or stop being.
Or decompose into the earth.

I think about the earth.
How nice it would be to sink into our great mother and help supply nutrients to more useful life.
I could feed fungi who speak to trees through rooted connections.
Grass which feeds herbivores.
A doe carrying the next generation.
I could be so much more useful.
And yet here i am, taking up space and nutrients.

I think about my friends.
I cry knowing that they have heard most if this before, over and over.
As if i were a broken record spouting the same incoherencies for years.
No one seems to listen.
They may have listened once, but they heard it all so many times they don't have to listen anymore.
They can recite the words as if my ravings were their favorite musical that they've gotten bored with.

I think of how my body deals with the profit losing cards my brain's been dealt.
I feel every muscle give up on living before i can.
It reminds me of the day before you become sick, the muscle aches, tiredness, tightness of chest and irritability.
And then the storm.
The illness itself, not some virus or bacteria, or got forgive a prion.
But an illness you deal with for life.
Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD are a combustable combination.
Like a cocktail mixed at a college party.
All the labels scratched off of bottles.
You can no longer tell whether this is alcohol or cleaning fluid.
But you don't care.

Finally i think about my dad.
He knows not of any of this.
Could i save him from this?
Having to deal with the ups and downs associated with my mood, my body refusing to produce serotonin.
Would he want to be spared the trouble?
I don't know.
And yet i doubt i'll ever take the time to ask.

April 19 2023