Gender fluid Diaries

I met him

My friends were with me.

One of ten years, like family and like blood.

One i had been closer with before.

And one who i wished to be closer with.

And of course, the second one's mother.

A trip up towards Lake Superior, the cold waters splashing against the large flat rocks.

I hadn't told him.

We would stay at a hotel lodge only an hour away from where he lived, and i hadn't told him.

And when my mother said i should, and i did, plans were made. Even on the same day as i was telling him, he wanted to see me.

The road trip there was full of song and laughter, and company, but much worry.

I felt horrible. I was bringing my personal life into a friend-group roadtrip.
But my oldest friend, the mostly stoic, insisted it was alright.
Besides. I had waited sixteen years for this moment.

My heart raced as we pulled up to the small house.

My half-sister answered the door.
A face strikingly like my own smiles at me and ushered us all in to play with puppies.

And there in that small house for the first time, i saw my self.

I saw in my half brother and sister the shape of my eyes and my nose, my fave shape,
I saw they enjoyed similar things as me,
And in him i saw everything.

My entire being made sense.

And there, in a slightly awkward side-hug, i felt the strong arms of my father.
For the first time, i touched him. Heard his voice in real life.
Saw how i got my mother's short genes.

My 13 year old sister was taller than me, a 16 year old. My friends laughed at me later.

In my fathers wife i saw kindness and security. And openness.

An experience i had never thought i would feel.

And after it all, in one brief text on our way to our hotel lodge for spring break, everything in me felt happy.
"It was truly a joy seeing you in person ******"

He wants to know me.

My father.

I met him.