Gender fluid Diaries

October Deterioration

Hey, just wanted to actually update this.

Im going through family things right now, and depression and anxiety are hitting hard.

But on the plus side Ive met other Genderfluid people at my new school.

And Ive made lots of friends.

Life is ok for the most part...

Day by day im getting more and more tired.

I just want to temp fate every day. Drink monster at night and walk outside for example. That could kill me maybe.

I just want to leave.

But im excited for Halloween. Its my fav. I love all of October, really.

But i still hurt.

I just want to fall asleep, and never wake up.

I keep having dreams about people outside my apartment building with guns that freak me out, so i may actually have PTSD from seeing that guy die.

I hope he's alright beyond the grave. Whether he's in heaven, or hell, or a ghost, or just not existing. Im almost envious of those who are dead. They don't have to feel.

My grandma is apparently Toxic, and my grandpa is sleeping more and more.

Im losing my self, and the people around me.

Im beginning to feel dysphoric on certain days again. Clothes shopping is hard.

I have Twitter now. Its ok so far.

Were currently very poor, and my moms mental health is also deteriorating. 

...

I really want to say goodbye. But i cant. Im still trapped here.
I don't want to burden my friend or my girlfriend with my problems anymore. They always have to deal with me.

And i still don't have a therapist.

Theres so much more happening in my brain, and i almost want to never stop writing. Its healing for me.

But oh well. I should soon.

I don't know how much longer i'll be on this earth.
I may marry and have children, or i may die tomorrow.
But thank you for reading my book.

Im glad i could help some people feel less alone. :)

P.S.
Im not dead.