Crisis of Faith

9

"How's it going in there?" Boggs wondered.

Everyday for the past two weeks Finnick's routine had been the same. He'd wake up, eat breakfast, and sit around until lunch time came. Then, he'd grab a tray for him, and Boggs would grab a tray for Kaianna, and they'd walk to her room together. Boggs would leave the tray, and give the two their space.

Kaianna was still apprehensive about Finnick but, he seemed to be slowly breaking down her walls.

"Things are definitely better than they were two weeks ago but, there's still a long way to go," Finnick let out a deep, shaky breath, "she's just- she's been through hell, and- I couldn't- I told myself I wouldn't let anything happen."

"You can't save everyone from everything." Boggs advised.

Finnick smiled at the memory of him and Kaianna on the beach. He was so mad at her for what she did but, looking back, he couldn't have been more grateful. He was alive because of her. She saved his life. Now it was his turn to return the favor.

"I should know that by now." He reminisced.

"I think you do," Boggs reasoned as he typed the code into the familiar door, "you just have a big heart. That can be a blessing, or a curse."

Finnick nodded silently, not knowing how else he could respond to the judgment of his character. He couldn't tell the man that he was wrong. So instead he waited for the click to sound, following the soldier into the room just like he'd been doing for days before. Kaianna was sitting up in her bed, fiddling with some of the hospital bands on her wrist. Finnick felt mean to think about the fact that she had become easier to look at but, that was exactly true.

"Same old same old," Boggs sent the girl a small smile, "just dropping off your lunch, and then you two will have your space."

He took her silence, as acceptance, and set the metal tray on the end of her bed.

"Thank you." Kaianna mumbled.

Boggs sent her a light nod, before sending Finnick one of reassurance, and taking his leave.

"Uh...so, how- how are you doing," Finnick sat his tray on a tray stand that was by her bed, and pulled up a chair. He then brushed his sweaty palms against his grey pants out of nervousness, "I mean- yeah."

Kaianna narrowed her eyes at the seemingly meek man in front of her. He could almost see a tint of humor in them but, he couldn't be sure. The fear of setting her off, kept his eyes pretty much glued to the floor.

"You're allowed to look at me you know."

Finnick's eyes widened, and flew to her's almost too fast, "Right- I- sorry."

"I'm alright. I mean it's definitely nice to be treated like a human again," She mumbled timidly, changing the topic back, "it's just-"

"What," Finnick's eagerness made Kaianna jump, "sorry."

She let out a deep breath, and mumbled something to herself, "Right. Uh...how do you deal with all the nightmares?"

Finnick's fidgety expression, softened at her question. Usually, if he was having a nightmare, it was about losing her. Now that he was almost sure he did lose her, he wasn't really set on an answer for what she wanted to know.

"Well, it's pretty impossible to avoid them," He said unsurely, poking at a piece of meat on his tray, "so the most you can do, is remind yourself that they're not real. That you survived. It- also helps me to think about someone I love- or care about."

"Everyone I care about is dead," Kaianna scrunched her eyebrows in frustration as she snapped. When she met Finnick's glum expression, she felt a little guilty, "I'm sorry."

She was confused at the sudden urge to apologize. As well as the sudden regard she was starting to feel for his emotions.

"It's ok," He shrugged sadly, "I know it's not you."

"But it is me," Kaianna's anger returned. Stronger than it was before, "nobody seems to understand that! This is who I am now!"

Finnick's eyes floated to the floor as he willed them to not tear up, with all his might. Kaianna rolled her eyes in frustration.

"Look. I know you say that you care about me, and that I'm supposed to trust you but, I've been convinced that you wanted me dead," She explained harshly, "and that's not on you- or I don't think so," Kaianna took a slow breath, in an attempt to compose herself, "I just...don't know what's real or not real anymore!"

"Then, how about you ask," Finnick shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, deciding to brush her words off. The only way he'd be able to get though this with her was if he went back to pretending. Pretending like she didn't mean everything to him, "what do you want to know?"

"We didn't like each other at first. Is that real?" Kaianna asked quietly.

"That's real," Finnick almost smiled at the memory but, didn't, out of guilt that she didn't have it, "you uh...you said my ass looked like a helmet from me having my head up it all of the time."

A small smile tugged on her lips, "So I never lost my sense of humor."

Finnick shook his head humorously, "what you haven't lost is your spite."

"Do you," Kaianna thought for a second, figuring out how she wanted to phrase her next question, "blue's your favorite color."

"That's real too," Finnick smirked at the vision of the woman she used to be, dressed in the royal blue nightgown, that brought out her eyes, "although, I'm not sure how you know that, because I never told you that."

He chuckled nervously, squirming in his chair.

"You liked the way it looked on me." Kaianna's eyes were on the tray sat in front of her. She hadn't even touched any of it.

Finnick's eyes snapped to the girl. He loved blue. He loved the way it brought out her once hazel-green eyes, "I love the way it looks on you."

She met his eyes nervously, almost recognizing the emotion burning in them, "Your eyes."

Finnick tilted his head, "My eyes?"

Her eyes narrowed, almost as if she was trying to examine him. He shifted anxiously under her gaze.

"They've always reminded me of something," Kaianna scrunched her face in a deep confusion, "I mean, when they showed me my memories all I saw in your eyes was...nothing worth mentioning but, there was something else. Something good. Something real."

"Maybe you'll remember one day," Finnick smiled, trying his best not to tint it with sadness, "anything else?"

"I- you were mad at me," Her eyes shut tightly, "we fought on the beach. Is that real?"

His smile dropped, "Yes but, I wish it wasn't. It was my fault. You saved my life but, you almost lost your's and it scared me. I took that out on you, and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."

"You keep saying that. 'I'm sorry'. You never used to say that before," She mumbled, striking him in the heart, "not to me anyhow. Right?"

"Right but, get used to it. After everything I've put you through, I'll be saying it for the rest of our lives."