Look at Me - H.S.

~ Chapter 20 ~

They're gone.

My beautiful, happy, excited girls have left for their summer holiday and I... well, I'm a fucking mess.

Obviously I waited until they had left before I broke down but now I've started, I'm not sure I can stop. I'm so fucking pathetic.

I ran upstairs as soon as they pulled away in my parents car and I haven't been down since. Mark doesn't need to see me like this. He wouldn't appreciate it.

He has been home all day and I've hardly seen him. It's totally my fault, obviously but its also really strange to have him in the house. I cant decide whether I feel uncomfortable or grateful that he's here. On one hand, I'm glad he's home for a change, albeit when the girls aren't but also, I kind of feel like I'm not welcome.
Like I said, I've been upstairs for most of the day so I'm probably just chatting shite and finding more things to feel sorry for myself about.

Welcome to my pity party. 

Oh for fuck sake! I need to pull myself together. Why am I like this? I don't even blame him for leaving me alone up here all day, laying on my bed as if my world is falling apart. What a fucking drama queen.

Rolling my eyes at myself, I sit up. Deciding I need some sort of distraction, I start to make a mental note of the things I need to take to Harrys. The first being, tonights outfit. I'm trying not to overthink it. It's part of the reason I've decided to go to Harry's early and get ready there. If I've only got one outfit, I can't change my mind twenty three times and have a meltdown over it.
Well, that's the plan anyways.

I grab the small grey weekend bag from the top of my wardrobe and start to put a few essentials in there, like makeup, perfume and something comfy to sleep in. I already have most of the stuff I need in my room at Harry's house so I'm packing light.

Kathy said it was all going to be pretty casual tonight so I decide to pull out a pair of blue skinny jeans. Jeans and a nice top is always a safe option, right?

Scanning through a few of the flowy tops I have, thinking I need to hide my stomach and arse, I notice a camel coloured, leather-look bodysuit. I've never worn it before, never really felt brave enough, it's sleeveless and quite tight fitting but trying to stick to my rule of not overthinking this, I pull it from the hanger and add it to my bag. I go to close the wardrobe doors when I spot my long beige cardigan, it's almost floor length and is very lightweight. It's going in the bag.
We'll call it a security blanket.

Happy(ish) with my choices i chuck in a pair of nude heels, zip the bag up and take a deep breath before heading downstairs.

As I stand in the doorway of my living room, my husband is lounging on the sofa, wearing just a pair of running shorts. His phone in hand, he's staring intently at the screen.

I wonder what I need to do to get noticed by him. Even just one glance would do.

His thumbs are tapping away, obviously texting someone as small chuckles make his shoulders bob and his perfect teeth make an appearance through his beaming smile.

I'm jealous of a phone, that's a new low, even for me.

I clear my throat softly to make him aware of my presence, already feeling very awkward. I'm just not used to Mark being here nowadays. It's usually me and the girls, especially for the past 7 months or so, work has been so busy for him.

His eyes slowly tear their way away from the phone to look up at me and he raises his eyebrows questioningly. I shuffle on my feet and twist the wedding band on my ring finger as I ask, "are you going out tonight?"