Look at Me - H.S.

~ Chapter 28 ~

I still haven't got over the embarrassment of stripping in front of Harry. It was 4 days ago and he's done his best to not mention it but I can tell he looks at me differently now and the thought of anyone seeing those parts of me still makes me want to shudder with disgust. I'm going to have to bring it up with him, I need to know if he's okay with me still being here, if I made him uncomfortable he has every right to ask me to leave.

I've been going over it in my head and I think I did it because I was angry. I was angry at myself, I was angry at Mark, I was angry at Shaun and Harry for telling me that it wasn't my fault when it had been drummed into me that every fucking thing was my fault, you know? I was frustrated because whatever I did wasn't enough and I was running out of ideas of what else I could do. But now, for the first time, I'm looking at everything with new perspective. I don't deserve this. I never did. So, why the fuck me? What gives anyone the right to make me feel like I would be better off gone? What gives anyone the right to have an opinion on what my body should look like? What gives anyone the fucking right to disrespect me in such a way and then make me feel like its my fault!?

Answer: Nothing. And the only person that can give them that right, is me.

So, now, I'm starting fresh. Harry made me look at myself differently that day. He showed me how a person should view themselves, how not everyone looks at me the same way that Mark and my Mum do and that I shouldn't give a shit, even if they do because I'm a good person. I know I am. And that's what matters.

Laying here, in this room at Harrys beautiful LA home, I cant help but smile. Like, what even is my life right now? How did I get this lucky? I miss my girls so much and have spoken to them at some point every day but, this...this is the life, right? I know I'm going to get up, take a shower in the most exquisite en-suite bathroom, I'm going to dry myself on the fluffiest of towels and I'm going to get dressed into some of the nicest clothes I've ever seen, simple as they may be, they are perfectly me. I'm going to head downstairs into the most beautiful open planned kitchen and living room and I'm probably going to be met by the Harry Styles, who, get this, is my fucking best friend! Its like a fan fiction come to life! I'm going to read a book, or listen to music and I'm going to soak up the magnificent LA sunshine and not have to worry about a single thing, all day. Its honestly what dreams are made of. So, I better get started, huh? Start appreciating what's right in front of me.

I reach the bottom of the wooden stairs, each step giving the illusion that it's floating in mid air, the only thing stopping me from falling is a glass panel on each side that never seems to have a single fingerprint on it, and spot Harry in the kitchen. Told ya. He looks hot and sweaty so I'm assuming he's already been for a run today. He gulps down water like it's his first drink in a week and I casually make my way over to him. Placing both hands on the white, marble island while he stands the other side, leaning against it.

"Morning H, is it okay if we talk for a sec?"

He nods and hums a "mhm," his cheeks puffed out as he slowly swallows the water stored in them.

"What's up?" he asks, heading towards the pristine, white, 'L' shaped sofa in the living room. I sit on one end while he takes the corner, both of us sit sideways with one leg bent and an arm resting on the back cushion.

"Okay," I start, taking a deep breath. "Firstly, I need to apologise." his brows furrow in confusion but he lets me continue without interrupting. "I'm so sorry about what happened in the gym the other morning. I'm sorry I purposely put myself in danger, I'm sorry I worried you and I'm really fucking sorry for taking my clothes off in front of you. I wasn't really thinking it through, but that's no excuse, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable and I understand why things have been a little weird between us the past few days. I totally get it if you would prefer it if I left." I take in another deep breath because I don't think I stopped for one during that whole spiel. He shakes his head slightly and smiles so wide his dimples grace me with their presence.