Look at Me - H.S.

~ Chapter 4 ~

The sun is shining today. It's now the middle of March and it's starting to get warmer out. I love this time of year. When it's brighter for longer, the trees are starting to get some colour back into their leaves and the birds are singing constantly. If I was any normal person, I'd be walking around with a smile on my face but no, I'm me. No smile. Not even the fake kind for me today. I'm alone.

My mum called yesterday afternoon to ask, no, tell me that she was picking the girls up early in the morning to take them out for the day and would have them stay at hers for the night. Seeing as it's a Saturday, I didn't really have much of a reason to say no. They overheard the conversation anyways and were instantly excited. So, as of an hour ago, they've gone.

Mark was still asleep when they left and I can just about hear him stirring upstairs, the bathroom door just clicked shut and the shower is running. I wonder what he's up to today.

I wait a while until he's done and make my way up to our bedroom. He's just finished getting dressed when I walk in. Stopping to take in what he's wearing. He looks nice. He's got his blue jeans and brown boots on with a maroon coloured polo shirt, the buttons done up all the way to the top. Shit, he's even got product in his hair.

"Something I can help you with?" His voice makes me jump slightly. I snap my head up to look at him. A sly smirk creeping across his lips.

"Err no, well erm, I was just wondering"

"God, spit it out Cassie" he rolls his eyes.

"Yeh, sorry. I was just wondering if you fancied going out somewhere today? The girls are with my mum all day and night so I thought maybe we could go get some lunch or maybe even dinner or something?" My voice is quiet, and I find myself looking everywhere but his eyes.

He chuckles and I immediately know exactly what he's going to say.

"No can do, sorry, love" he shrugs, "I've already got plans. I'm meeting the boys at the pub to watch the footy and then we'll probably head out into town after. Not sure what time I'll be home. Don't wait up."

With that he strolls past me and down the stairs.

I sit on the edge of the bed. Shoulders slumped and feeling completely ridiculous for even asking. Of course he's got plans. Anything has got to be better that spending the day with me, right? I don't even blame him.

He yells out a quick "See ya" before slamming the front door behind him.

Alone. Again.

I lay back on the bed and my brain starts to fog. Why am I even here? I'm not needed. Not even wanted. Would he notice if I left and never came back? Why am I like this? Why am I so unlovable?

I hate myself.

I can feel the darkness taking over my body, a coldness, starting from my head and making its way to my toes. My body feels heavy and my eyes find a spot on the ceiling that they can't seem to deter from. I squeeze my hands into fists and fight against the scream that is bubbling up from my chest, trying to escape. It's consuming me again and I know I can't let it. My girls faces flash in front of me. I can't do this to them, I have to snap out of it, so I do what I do every other time this happens.
Taking a deep breath, I unclench my fists and with trembling hands, reach for my phone in my back pocket. I turn my head slightly to see my headphones on the bedside table. Twisting my body I reach for them, popping open the case and fumbling to get them into my ears. There's only one person who can clear this fucked up brain of mine.
I find my favourite playlist, press shuffle and let my phone decide which song is going to play. A small smile tries to creep onto my face as I mumble "good choice" to no one but myself.