Look at Me - H.S.

~ Chapter 34 ~

I only have 3 days left in LA and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

Thoughts spin around inside my head and there's so much conflict up there, like I'm at war with myself.

Part of me is dreading going home. I'll have to face my Mother and Mark, I'll have to see the bed he fucked another woman in, I'll have to make a decision on what to do about my marriage, basically, all the shitty stuff I've been able to avoid while I've been here. But also, I get my girls back. I get to be their Mum again, I get to hold them and kiss their pretty little faces and fuss over them, cook them their favourite dinners and take them shopping for new school uniform, dance around the kitchen with them and more of the things that I haven't been able to do for the past month. FaceTiming and speaking over the phone just isn't cutting it for me and I'm making a vow, here and now, they are never allowed to leave me for this long, ever again.

So much has happened since that night I caught him. Everything has changed, I've changed. I can feel the difference in myself, the version of me I wasn't able to be before, a version I really fucking like now. A version I'm learning to love and the funny thing is, all I'm doing is being me.
The me that was told she was annoying and boring and ugly, the me that daren't make jokes and be sarcastic and tease, the me that likes to be silly and immature sometimes, the me that doesn't care what everyone thinks about her outfit, as long as she's comfortable and feels good, the me that I can be wholly and freely because of the people I have around me, people that love me, just the way I am.
It hasn't been easy, fuck, some days all I've wanted to do is hide under my duvet and not face the world, but I've learned that's okay too. It's okay to not be okay. I've learned that you have to let yourself feel, if you feel sad, be sad. If you're angry, be angry. If you're happy, be fucking happy and do not let anyone dull that sparkle because you're the one living your life, not them.

I've met so many new people since I've been here, too. I've had my fair share of fan girl moments, in private, of course. I don't think Harry & Shaun could cope with seeing me in that state ever again. It's a good job we can all laugh about it really.
It's still strange to meet the people I had unknowingly put on pedestals. It's as if they're not real, just because they're 'famous', but at the end of the day, they're all just people. People like us, people who feel the same things we do, stress about the same things, and just because their problems look nothing like ours, it doesn't mean they aren't as important.

They've all been amazing to me, too. Although, I'm not surprised, they're Harry's friends and let's face it, the dude obviously has great fucking taste when it comes to friends!
Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

I'm in awe as I stare up at the man who is currently prancing around on stage like someone has shoved a few Duracell batteries up his arse! The first time I saw Harry perform live, I was in a private box with his nearest and dearest, this time I'm on the floor at the side of the stage and on the other side of the barricade, close enough to get splashed with sweat, every time he shakes his hair.

That night at Wembley will always be one of my most treasured memories, in lots of ways, it was the night my life began to change. But this, this is something special. I can feel his energy and I'm pretty certain the smile hasn't left my face since I got here. Seeing him perform is like watching a different person. The Harry that I see every day is silly and sweet and affectionate, sometimes he's even quite shy. The Harry Styles we get when he's performing is confident and sexy and charming and cheeky and Im so fucking proud to be one of the few who get both sides of him.

As I stand here soaking it all in, I feel a presence behind me and my skin immediately breaks out in goosebumps.

"You okay, Cass?"
His minty breath wafts over the side of my face as he leans in and speaks directly into my ear, the throatiness of his tone tickling my eardrums. I turn my head slightly to give him a genuine smile and a nod, not wanting to try and shout over the music that's so loud, it's making my chest vibrate. I lean back slightly, wanting to rest my body against him so he can wrap his forearm around my collar bone like he's done so many times before, but I catch myself and stand up straight again. He's working, I remind myself.