Look at Me - H.S.

~ Chapter 35 ~

I officially hate packing. How is it that I showed up here with barely anything yet now it's time to leave, I have two suitcases laying open on my bed, clothes bloody everywhere and not a single ounce of motivation to do anything about it.
I'll tell you how...Harry. I swear he's bought me more clothes and shoes in the past month than I have ever owned my entire life! Along with all of the free stuff I'd been given by designers and even some of Harry's friends.
I still struggle to get my head around the fact that people want to see me in their designs. Most of them are launching more size inclusive lines and I am more than happy to be a part of that. Every single one of those people helped build my self confidence. A confidence I have never had before. I always knew women were beautiful, we are warriors, our bodies endure some of the most amazing changes through our lives and that's something to be fucking proud of. I have never looked at another person and judged them because they had too many curves or no curves at all, I have never thought that someone should change the way they look so that they could 'fit in' better, so why did I do it to myself? Why did I listen when people tried to tell me to change because I didn't look the way they thought I should. I don't need to mould myself into the version someone else wants in order to love me. There are far more interesting things about me than the width of my thighs or the size of my waist and when someone loves you, truly loves you, none of that matters.
So yeah, there's not a single chance in hell of me being able to take it all with me but he has insisted, multiple times, that I'm to take whatever I can and leave enough here for when I come back. When, not if.
That in itself is a strange thought. In all honesty, if it wasn't for Bailey and Elodie, I wouldn't be leaving at all. If it was an option, I would pop to Spain, pick them up and bring them straight back here to live life the way I've been able to for the past few weeks. I know they would love it just as much as I have, maybe even more!

I've had the time of my life since stepping off that plane. Even the lowest points were the best because they needed to happen. It was the only way I was ever going to realise that I didn't deserve what was happening to me. Now it's time for me to try and do it all on my own, and be okay with that. I can be alone, I can enjoy my own company, I don't have to be surrounded by people in order to realise I am loved. Do I? No, no, I don't. I don't, I'm fine. It's going to be fine, I'm going to be fine. No! Better than fine, I'm going to be great! Right?

Right on cue, as if he can read my thoughts, the Bluetooth speaker in my room kicks in and "you should probably stay, probably stay a couple more days, c'mon let me change your ticket home!" starts bouncing off the walls. Harry.
I can't help the grin that spreads across my lips. This isn't the first time he's done this today, they aren't always One Direction songs but my grin is extra wide when they are. I honestly think he's off somewhere sulking, searching through every song in the universe just to play a snippet of something, anything, that relates to me leaving. We both know this has to happen, doesn't mean either of us like it.

My flight is early tomorrow morning and the girls aren't due home for another 3 days after I get home so I'll be facing Mark alone once I get there. I'm okay with that though. I have a lot to say and I can only hope that he'll actually listen. If he doesn't, that's fine too. I already know what my plan is and I've got to be strong enough to stick to it.

That thought gives me the motivation I need to get my shit together. It takes almost 2 hours but I manage to pack everything I need to take with me into the suitcases and hang whatever is left over, in the wardrobe. There. Done.

With my hands on my hips I smile triumphantly at the securely closed cases on my bed. Didn't even have to sit on them. Winner. After giving myself a mental pat on the back and swiping the back of my hand against my forehead to remove the beads of sweat that are forming and causing my stray hairs to stick to my skin, the loud growl of my stomach tells me I need to come out of hiding, get something to eat and maybe take a dip in the pool to cool off.