Look at Me - H.S.

~ Chapter 36 ~

His eyes are still locked on mine, flitting momentarily around my face, searching for a some sort of reaction to the bomb he's just dropped. Neither of us seem to remember how to even blink. My mouth is clamped shut and I am truly lost for words.
Wow.
His eyes become more frantic in their movement and I can sense the panic that's setting into his features. The uncertainty he's feeling about what he has just told me. Does this change anything? Am I happy? Sad? Pissed? Confused?
Yes. Yes to every single fucking one.
It changes so much. Our friendship, our dynamic, the way I act around him now. Im so fucking happy though, if there was a man on this earth that would make me feel nothing short of privileged to be loved by him, it's this one. I'm sad that now, just before I leave is when he tells me. Sad that there's nothing I can do about it right now and sad because what if the distance between us will make him see sense, make him change his mind, realise that it wasn't that kind of love after all. I'm pissed because of the same reasons.

I can imagine what it would be like to have his undivided attention, knowing he would keep me safe, show me his love, not just tell me. I know in my soul that this man, this incredible human, wouldn't let me go a day without reassurance, without proof. Something I have never felt before. And deep down I think I knew, some part of me knew that his love was different, that I'm not the same as all the other friends in his life. But hearing him say it, hearing those words be set free into the universe has just solidified what I knew I was feeling for him, too. I don't want to say it. I don't think I can admit it. I'm still married for fuck sake. Even if it is to a man that doesn't deserve the time of day, doesn't deserve an ounce of effort from me. I know now that I had checked out from that marriage a long fucking time ago. I can't pinpoint when I stopped loving Mark, I just know that this past month has taught me what love should feel like and what he gave me was nothing even close to that.

I haven't moved from my position, standing next to him, my hand resting softly on his shoulder, the height different of him sitting and me standing means he has to crane his neck to keep eye contact and the stretch of his throat make his hard swallow visible. One of his hands move slowly between us until it's resting on my hip. Without even realising, I step closer and find myself standing between his legs where his other hand moves to hold me on the other hip.
I trail my fingertips across his shoulder and up his neck until my hand is in his hair, pushing it back from his forehead, I stare down at him, witnessing the goosebumps form in my wake. Still not knowing what to say, I cup the back of his head and pull him gently towards me, holding him against my stomach where he settles with no resistance. I stroke his hair while he peppers small kisses to my belly and even through the thick white robe, I'm still somehow able to feel the affection. His arms shift to circle my waist where he pulls me closer, as impossible as it seems, he manages it. I'm not even sure he can breathe with how far he's nuzzled into me. He begins talking again. The sound muffled.
"You don't have to say anything. I don't expect to hear it back. I just wanted, no, needed you to know. I'm so fucking selfish, I couldn't keep it in any longer. It's been eating me up, not telling you. I need you to know that I'm so fucking in love with you. I'll do whatever you want. I'll leave you alone. I'll wait. I'll come back with you. If we just stay friends, that's okay too. Because having some of you is better than having none of you, Cass. And fuck me, I want all of you. Every single fucking part. I just, I-I" I can hear the emotion clogging his throat as he swallows again to try and push it down. He heaves a breath before pushing himself back slightly so he can look up at me again. His thumb comes up to swipe along my cheekbone, a tear I didn't even know had escaped is wiped away so delicately. The rest sitting right at the surface, ready to fall at any moment. I'm so fucking overwhelmed, I don't know what to do. I just stand and stare into his eyes, hoping that he can see into my soul and what I'm feeling right now without having to say it out loud. A sad smile appears on his face and he nods slightly and I immediately miss the feel of him n my skin. As his hands fall to his sides and his shoulders slump with I don't know what, relief? Defeat?
I pull him back to me, this time with both of my hands in his hair, gently scratching at his scalp to try and soothe him. To try and show that I'm okay. I want to be here with him.