Look at Me - H.S.

~ Chapter 24 ~

A heavy weight on my neck wakes me up and it takes me a minute to absorb my surroundings.

The dark coloured duvet, the huge floor to ceiling window that's covered with the flimsiest, white coloured fabric which does next to nothing to keep the light of the day from filling the room, the sleek black chest of drawers, the smooth wooden floors.

This is not my room.

Suddenly remembering the weight on my neck I try to sit up, only to realise the weight is a big ball of grey fur that has made itself comfortable on my throat.

I hold her carefully as she begins to slide down my chest the more I sit up, until she is curled in a ball on my lap. I run my hand through her soft fur and scratch behind her ears, noticing the fur on one side is shorter and remembering the small operation she had, not too long ago. I can feel the rumble of her purr through the duvet on my lap and for a moment my mind is clear. Completely empty of all thoughts other than those of the cutest and furriest little kitty I think I've ever seen.

But then, then it all comes flooding back.

Oh Right, I'm at Shaun's. I'm in Shaun's bedroom, in Shaun's bed and this is Shaun's cat. Evie. Not his girlfriend, his cat.

The memories of how and why I'm at Shaun's infiltrate my brain soon after. The whole night before coming back to me in flashes. The food, the dancing, the cocktails. It was all brilliant. Even the walk home from the station while I spoke to Shaun on the phone. I felt happy, drunk, but happy. And determined. I was determined to go home and make my husband happy, to make him love me, to make love to him. Except, someone beat me to it didn't they.

Someone else was making my husband happy, making him smile and groan and moan in ecstasy. Someone who was slim and pretty and wanted him enough that she was willing to be with him in my bed. In my fucking home.

I have to remove Evie from my lap as I feel the bile rise up my throat and I urge my legs to move as quickly as possible as I head to the bathroom. Falling to my knees in front of the toilet, I manage to lift the lid just in time for the contents of my stomach to leave my body via my mouth and splash into the white porcelain bowl.

I try to catch my breath as my body heaves, however my empty stomach has nothing more to give and I eventually slump down onto my bum and lean my back against the cool tiles of the bathroom wall.

I try to think logically about what my next steps will be. Where will I live? What are the girls going to say? Will they be mad I didn't try harder? Will they want to stay with their Dad?

With my eyes streaming, I try to calm my breathing by taking deep breaths in through my nose and out of my mouth, just like Shaun taught me but it doesn't seem to be working fast enough and my chest begins to tighten, my hands are trembling and I can feel my erratic heartbeat echoing in my ears.

What the fuck is happening?
Am I dying?

Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Maybe I should just let it happen.

The burning pain in my chest from every full breath I fail to take, is almost unbearable. My pitiful attempts at doing the most natural thing of any living creature, is suddenly the most difficult task I have ever tried to complete. My eyes start to blur and my head feels all swishy, like I'm drunk all over again.

I feel my body start to sink down the wall until something stops me. I'm moved forward slightly as someone slides down the wall behind me. I'm wrapped in a pair of strong arms that are crossed over my chest, a leg either side of my own, squeezing me tight and holding me with as much force as possible without causing pain. I can feel the movement of his chest slowly moving up and down against my back as he murmurs softly in my ear. My brain won't let me comprehend his words but I find myself trying to mimic the movements he makes. The fuzziness starts to dissipate and the feeling of warm breath against my neck becomes more apparent. It's soothing. I focus more on the feeling of him, the feeling of safety. The softly spoken words start to register.