My Everything

Chapter 1: The Mind is the Worst Enemy

TW: Mentions of a Panic Attack/Anxiety and slight cursing 

Buck's POV:

Finally, we're back at the station. That last call was tough; a 5-car accident with 4 casualties. It's obviously having its effect on everyone. We all headed upstairs to finally eat the meal Cap had prepared for us before we left. Everyone is talking, laughing and smiling but I just can't seem to find it.

I need a nap, plus I'm done eating anyways. I'm so done with this shift I just want to go home. I just got to push through a few more hours. I get up and no one seems to notice, beside Eddie. He gives me a small smile; a smile that makes my heart flutter. God damn it Buck! Control yourself! I give him a small smile back and quickly turn around. I felt the blush grow on my face. Ugh I need to learn to control my feelings. He is my best friend... nothing more.

I go and lay down at one of the beds and let sleep take over me quickly. It was quiet, we got no more new calls for the rest of our shift. There was a soft voice breaking into my dream. "Buck.... Come on Buck our shift is over" but i don't want to wake up, this dream is nice. I'm open to the sight of Bobby standing above me. He smiles down at me and chuckles.

"Come on kid. Our shift is over and I'm going home." and with that he walks away. My body is still tired, but I push myself to get up and go to the locker room to change. Hm seems like I'm the last one from our shift here, odd. Hen usually stays back and makes sure everyone leaves okay. It's okay she is probably just busy. No, she isn't Buck. Don't you see no one cares about you anymore. They can't trust you after what you've done. Don't you see, they are ignoring you, they don't care about you anymore. You're an idiot Buck. Did you ever think Eddie likes you, even as a friend?

There was this voice... It's loud. But no one is near me. Huh weird it kinda sounds like me. Wait, what if what it's saying is true? What if they don't care about me? Fuck I need to get out of here. The room is spinning, I can't breathe. What is happening? Maddie will know, I need to find her. Keys... where are my keys? I can't remember where they are. I feel like I'm having a heart attack. Okay I need to find Maddie. I stumble to my Jeep.

Maybe I shouldn't drive. I can't see right. What is going on with me? That stupid voice won't shut up. "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP" I scream, and it finally stops. This feeling won't go away... I need help. I try to grab my phone out of my pocket. It's not there, shit where's my phone? I ran back inside the fire house and it's right where I left it, on the bench in front of the lockers.

Buck: Maddie something is wrong

Maddie: What happened. Where are you? I'm coming to pick you up

Buck: I feel like I'm having a heart attack... I'm at the firehouse. Hurry please

I go back out and sit in my car. I can't breathe, my body is shaking, and my heart is racing. Why is my face wet? Am I crying? I wipe my face, and yep, I'm crying. I can't control this. I hear a small knock on my window, please let it be Maddie. I look out and see her standing there, a worried look plastered on her face. I unlocked the door and let her in. She takes one look at me, and her face becomes a mix of concern and anger. She looks me into the eyes "Okay Buck, I need you to breathe with me. 1... 2... 3... 4..." She helps me calm down my breathing. Finally, I can breathe again, good. Maybe I won't die, like I thought I would.

Maddie: So buck you going to tell me what's up?

Buck: Maddie... I don't know. There was this voice in my head. Then I couldn't breathe. I look up at Maddie it felt like I was dying.

Maddie: She gives me a sincere smile Sounds like you were having a panic attack Buck. Why don't you tell me what the voice was saying, see if we can find a cause.

Buck: The voice was telling me I wasn't good enough, that the team doesn't care anymore. It was right though Maddie, they've been distant from me. I look back down and I feel my voice breaking. They don't care anymore.

Maddie's face then turns to one of anger and sympathy. "Okay Buck, I'll handle this. If you have another panic attack, text me" She gave me a hug and went off. Ugh I'm so tired, my body hurts. I need to go home. I just want to sleep. I'm kinda glad I don't have a shift tomorrow. Time skip to when he arrives at his apartment. Finally, I'm home. I need a drink, or maybe two. I go up to the fridge, a small smile growing on my face. It was a picture of Eddie, Chritopher and I at the zoo. It was such an amazing day. Damn it Buck! Forget about Eddie, he is your best friend, nothing will ever happen.

I grab out two beers for myself and go and sit in my chair. Flipping on the T.V. was the worst idea. It was Taylor on the screen, reporting on the accident that the team responded to earlier. Ugh I don't need to be reminded of the day. Where did that panic attack even come from? I've never had one before this. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe it is right, I'm just pushing too much. It's best for everyone if I just distance myself from them. Ugh how could I be so stupid to think they actually did forgive me? Damn it...