Mastermind

Can You Feel My Heart

Warnings: Somewhat suicidal/self-harming thought? - but only one
Child-Abuse and Violence (Crucio-Curse)

___

I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim
- Can you Feel my Heart by Bring Me the Horizon

It is Sunday Evening. Regulus hasn't come out of his dorm room since Saturday, too afraid James would confront him.

Things I feel for James Potter

1. ... smi- warm

2. safe

3. i

Regulus taps his fingers against his temple. He doesn't want to think about his feelings – he doesn't want to feel anything.

He just wants James to have him and hold him and kiss him. – Is that asking for too much?

He is selfish. He knows that. He is too selfish. Everything that he can think of... it's just about him, not James.

Does he have feelings for James? Romantic feelings? More than "kiss me" – he can't think about it.

When he tries it is like his entire body is revolting. He is pushed under water, struggling for breath. He can see the sun peeking out behind clouds above the water surface. Mocking him. He could have had that. The sun. He could have it, but he can't.

James Potter

he's the sunhe's peace and calm and silence he's rather loud actually and never shuts up but it's very calminghe is so confusing, most confusing person I know it's so exhaustingI never want him to stopwarmsafehe has feelings for me what does this even mean???

He discards the mental list. He can't organise his thoughts. He will have to let them in, feel them, feel all of it, in order to organise them.

He can't. He doesn't want to.

And whatever he feels he can't show it to James.

***

Monday Morning. Evan, Barty and Regulus are sitting outside in the May sun between their lessons. Regulus' head is still spinning. He barely listens to his friends. The two are in their own world anyway.

"Icarus felt so free up in the air, he quickly forgot about all the warnings," Evan says softly to Barty, "He just wanted to get higher and higher and reach the sun. He thought, the sun god Helios is beckoning him to him. Helios is waiting to embrace him. And the father watched with horror as Icarus rose higher and higher to the sun. Slowly, the sun started to melt the wax used to hold the wings together. Helios, waiting to clasp Icarus in his arms, didn't see, and Icarus didn't notice, but he was his downfall. And just before he could reach him, the wings gave out and Icarus fell. He fell and fell into the plunging depths of the sea, where the sun could not reach him anymore. So, he drowns, cold and alone and burned."

"They're all so sad," Barty whispers, "Can't you tell me something with a happy ending?"

Evan shakes his head, "The happy ones never make good stories. They never let you be famous and happy."

Barty hums. He turns to look at Regulus, "What do you think of the story, Regulus?"

Regulus nods absentmindedly, "Yes, nice."

"You didn't listen, did you?" Barty asks, "You really should listen, you might learn a thing or two."

Regulus looks back at him, "Maybe it was worth it to Icarus. Maybe he rather died burned than lived without ever having been free and in the sun."