right where you left me

Chapter 23 - Arsenal Family

Life had just been flipped on its head. I couldn't focus. I couldn't understand what on earth was going on. It all felt so unreal. I knew I had to pull myself together; try to focus on the things that mattered at that moment: Leah, and only Leah.

But, it was hard. Hard because I couldn't see her, and our only communication was through our phones, something that I did not like.

"Hey," she said, over face time. I was lying in the bed that I now basically called my own, even though it was in Leah's apartment. I had found comfort in this flat, now that I was mostly by myself. It reminded me of Leah, and all the times we had had together over the past six months.

"Hi," I said, the phone resting against my knees. Leah went on to talk about everything that was happening: what they were preparing for, who they were thinking they were to come up against, how many times she had been bullied by Keira and Georgia, and I smiled through it all, just liking the sound of her voice more than anything.

"But enough about me, what are your plans?" she asked.

"Not too sure," I replied.

"You should try to get up for the Netherlands game," Leah suggested. "I think Caitlin and Lia are going, for Viv." I thought about it for a moment, and in a time of panic, I could only say:

"Okay."

"Great," she responded, looking as if she was about to message someone. "I'll tell Cait and Lia you'd like a lift." I smiled at her proactivity, as she typed away, a smile printing on her face. I soon came to remind myself of why I loved her... loved. Loved.

"I love you," I said, over the phone to her. She smiled, her breathing calming softly.

"I love you too. You okay?" she asked. I chuckled softly.

"Can your girlfriend not say that she loves you?" I asked.

"You can, your tone- it was just... different." She looked suspicious, and I tried ignoring it, but maybe it was. Maybe I was being weird.

"No tone," I said, trying to act confident.

"Okay," she smiled, moving on.

The next day, Lia and Cait came via Leah's (and now sort of my) flat, picking me up to drive up to the Netherlands game. I sat in the back, and Lia drove, with Caitlin riding shotgun. I tried holding a conversation with them, but all that flowed through my brain was how stuck I was. Stuck between two people, and two lives; who I was before and who I was after.

But I couldn't ponder that thought any longer as we soon parked the car, with Caitlin having to drag me out of the car.

"What's up?" Lia asked as they walked either side of me, both in orange jerseys with 'Miedema' printed on the back.

"Nothing," I said, obviously lying.

"You've always been a shitty liar," Caitlin replied. I laughed, nudging her softly.

"Just got a lot going on, I guess," I answered her.

We soon arrived at the ground, and I went straight to the bar, grabbing myself a drink.

"You want one?" I asked both of them.

"I'm driving," Lia replied.

"No thanks," Caitlin answered.

"Alrighty," I responded, asking for just one beer, and nearly chugging it down before paying for one more.

We soon found our seats, and I tried my best not to look around. I was scared that if I did, I would see her. I knew she was here. There was no doubt in my mind that Ellie Carpenter would be watching her girlfriend in this match, just like how I would be watching mine.

Why did she tell me that? Why did she say those words to me?

'Maybe because I wish something did'!?

Why? I was happy; she was happy; Daan was happy; Leah was happy. Everyone was happy.

Now, it felt as if my world was crumbling apart in front of my eyes.

"Earth to Tippah," Lia said, waving a hand in front of my eyes. A shiver bolted through me.

"Yep, hi, I'm here," I said, looking up, and seeing the two teams take to the pitch. The orange against the blue and red; it was expected to be a thriller.

The first half was drawn 0-0, with neither team able to break through. It was fairly even, however, with both teams with a lot of ball, but the opportunities were lacking.

"Viv's doing so well," Caitlin said to me and Lia. "Especially considering the covid."

"I can't believe she is still breathing," I laughed.

"Yep. I only hope for her sake she doesn't play the entire game, otherwise... I'm not sure how well that is going to end," Lia said. I nodded my head in agreement. Viv had only had covid a few days ago, and from what Beth had told us, she was still suffering from the implications of it, but she was putting her health aside, something none of us recommended but you can't stop Viv. She's a cancer; once her mind is on something, there is no changing it.

At half-time, I went to grab another drink, this time settling for a cheap champagne glass. Too much beer makes me feel ill, most likely because that is what he would drink when I was younger. I never wanted to feel like him, even if I could act like it sometimes.

I often tried denying it, but now, I knew, there was no point. I knew; Ellie knew; Mum even knew; probably Finn too. Out of the five kids, I was the most like him, and I hated myself every day for it.

As I walked back to my seat, I saw her. I saw her, the blonde hair lying down beside her shoulders. Do I go over to her? Do I just leave it? I wasn't sure. But before I could think, a new person went over to her, sitting down in the spare seat beside Ellie.

Eden?

I knew, in that moment, I had to go.

I walked down the stairs, closer to the front rows, and peered to see my sister sitting beside my ex-girlfriend.

"Eden?" I exclaimed.

"Tipp," Eden replied, standing up and walking towards me.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked her.

"Long story," she replied.

"And why are you sitting next to her?" I said, whispering softly.

"Another long story," she answered. I frowned at her, not liking these vague responses. "Listen, Tippy, the game is about to start. We talk after?" I nodded my head, as Eden squeezed my hand before going back to sit beside Ellie.

I looked at my ex-girlfriend, seeing her hand give me a small wave. I didn't know how to react; instead, I didn't wave a reply and rather walked up the stands back to Lia and Caitiln, needing to feel the comfort of my Arsenal family more so than my real one.

note:

- so, team leah or team ellie?

- also... dw I will not do an ettie walsh with tippah... iykyk