right where you left me

Chapter 33 - Would've, Could've, Should've

Having won 5-1 against Lyon, everyone was happy. It was most definitely a surprise; we should never have beaten them the way we did. But something just clicked within the team. Something was just working.

Despite the injuries we had and the players that were missing, we were able to do it, and I had never been as glad as I was to have beaten a team. I needed that. We needed that.

But as we flew back across to London, all I could think about was what happened. I was sitting beside Leah because, even though she didn't play, she still came to support the team. I was staring out the window, my brain working in overdrive.

I knew I had a problem. There was no point denying it. I relied on the drinks that consumed my body. I poured one too many times a day; it was a lot. It always has been. But, changing a habit is hard, and changing a lifestyle is impossible. When you grow up, the way I did, surrounded by drinks, and pain, and hurt, it is going to be embedded into you for as long as you live. The demons are going to follow you around; there is no stopping it. The only thing you can do, as a person, is make sure it doesn't affect those around you.

And I failed at that. I failed at that so miserably.

Not with Leah. At least, not yet. But with Ellie, I failed. Our 'everything' was what led to our downfall. I led to our downfall.

The lies. The pain. The drinking.

The drinking. The pain. The lies.

It was all me. I was the villain. I am the villain. I will always be the villain.

"You alright?" Leah asked, as I was staring out the window. We were about to take off, and it was pissing down rain.

"Yeah," I responded, not looking back at her. She sighed, moving my chin so our eyes locked.

"What is up?" she asked.

"Nothing," I responded, kissing her softly, wanting to return to my thoughts.

"You're annoying," she laughed.

"But you love me anyways?" I responded, saying it more like a question than a statement. Maybe I did need that confirmation; I had never been like that before. I was never needy and had never been one to want attention. But at that moment, I felt I needed it. I needed to feel as if there was purpose. There was reason. Was Leah my purpose?

"Of course," she said, looking at me confused. "Why would you even ask that?" I didn't reply, and instead put my head on her shoulder, just wanting to move the conversation and hopefully get in an hour of sleep.

When we arrived back in London, we headed home and I crashed on the bed as soon as we arrived. I was tired; my eyes were drooping the entire drive home. My brain felt as if it was on fire.

But no. I couldn't. No more drinking.

I was not going to drink. That was the final straw. My conversation with Ellie - it was the final straw. It was time to get clean. Time to rid myself of the anxieties that I brought onto myself. If I hadn't been so black-out drunk, I would've known. I would've remembered who killed my fucking excuse of a father. But I don't. I don't remember.

"Hey, you need anything?" Leah asked as she walked into the bedroom. I had turned off all the lights already, just wanting to sleep.

"No," I replied. "Just need rest." She didn't reply, but rather closed the door, letting my brain settle and fall soundly to sleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night in sweats. My body was wet, and I felt the drench on my forehead. I knew what this was because of. I tried calming my body. There was water beside my bed, and it would have to do. No more alcohol. It was time.