right where you left me

Chapter 46 - Love and War (in your twenties)

Arsenal vs Manchester United, 20th April 2023

She was running. She soon stopped. Her hair flew in the hair, bouncing to each side. Something about her mesmerized me, even on the pitch. I could never look away. She had my heart in the palm of her hand; she could hurt it, she could break it, or she could keep it. It was completely up to her. It would always be up to her.

I just wish she would look at me. See me for who I was. I was just a girl. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Then, for a moment, the world stopped. It flashed in front of my eyes.

She ran. She stopped. She fell. Her arms wailed in the air. I held my breath. Nothing in me moved. My brain ran. My brain stopped.

The world came crumbling down, once more, and at the center was Leah, because she was my world.

Mere Hours Earlier

Breathe.

Room 5432.

Breathe.

She would be just behind this door. She is within arms reach. I had been avoiding her, knowing what I had to do. Knowing I had to stop lying and get on with it. Tell her the truth. About everything.

The drinking.

The past.

The abuse.

But I had this inbuilt fear that I carried with me, making it difficult to do anything but be a pathological liar. But for her, I would try. I knew I would. I would have to.

Knock once.

Knock twice.

"Leah?" I called out, softly, wanting her to come to the door. I heard footsteps, and my breath halted as I heard her unlock the door, and open it slowly.

She stared at me, and I stared back, our eyes locking. We hadn't exchanged more than 10 words since it all went down.

"Hey," I said, looking at her, the blonde hair cascading over her shoulders.

"Hi," she replied. We both stood there for a moment, saying nothing but at the same time, everything.

"Can I, maybe- um- can we talk?" I asked.

"Okay." She didn't move.

"Can I- um- Lee, can I just come in?" I asked, slightly laughing. She moved to the side, allowing me room to go inside her overly neat hotel room. The contrast between mine and hers is immense.

"Is everything okay?" she asked, as she stood by the door. I was pacing near the window that overlooked Manchester, as she spoke, my hands running through my hair.

"I haven't been honest with you," I said, softly. I was looking at the ground and most likely mumbling.

"Tipp, what are you saying?" she asked. "Stop mumbling."

"I haven't been- I haven't been honest," I repeated, trying to get the words out coherently.

"What are you taking about?"

"I- I am sorry."

"I know you are."

"No, I'm sorry for lying."

"What about?"

"Everything."

"Tippah, you need to explain otherwise I'm going to ask you to leave." I moved over to the bed and sat on the white linen. She still stood there before I patted the spot next to me, wanting her to come and sit beside me.

"I didn't do what I said." I breathed in. Breathed out. "That was a lie."

"What are you saying?" Leah said, softly, under her breath.

"I didn't do what I said... I didn't, you know, hurt you that way. I- I want to tell you the truth, but I am scared."

"What do you have to be so scared of?" Leah asked, pleading with me. "What could be worse than what you said you did? What could be worse than cheating?"

"At least I knew that if I said that, you would stay away from me. It's what is best."

"For you, or for me?"

"For you. Always for you. This isn't about me. My life has already been fucked up by me, I don't want to fuck up yours as well." She looked at me, turning her body to face mine.