You're safe with me

Guilt

Time skip
Upon entering the house we see the others sitting on the sofa, a few of them playing on consoles while the rest is looking at their phones. Jisung is the first one to look up and notice us still standing close to the door, just having taken off our jackets. "Where are you two coming back from?", he asks puzzled having a few of the other members looking up too. "We just went to the city shopping a little bit and then we just went and got ourselves some lunch.", Chan answers casually before sitting down next to Jisung. I'm starting to feel a little uneasy when I see Jisung looking between the two of us over and over. Because even though we've never tried hiding anything, I'm still not sure if they know about us. "Something's up.", Jisung notes still confused. "What makes you think that?", Chan asks curiously arching his eyebrow at him. "Well, for one you both seem more smiley than usual which...wired but nothing too unusual but second you actually seem rested which is just... ", he says sounding slightly dramatic. Chan gives me a look apparently not being able to think of anything to say. I'm also stunned at how much he notices just by paying attention. "Sooo, wanna tell me what's going on?", he pushes. "I just tried out a new medication and since it seems to have worked really well, I'm happy.", he says and I'm impressed by his ability to lie so easily. "Alright, whatever you say.", he responds holding his hands up in surrender. "I'm just happy you're happy.", now I feel even worse about lying to him but I'm also not ready to have anyone know. My good mood from earlier is completely gone now and I just want to hide feeling guilty for making Chan lie because of me. I go to my room sitting down on my bed, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my head on them. I just sit there like this for a few minutes thinking about what I'm pulling Chan into only because my life is messed up and how he deserves better. This gets me to tears which slowly start running down my face and quiet sobs start escaping my throat. I don't know how long I stayed like this before someone opened the door. I quickly wipe my face and lift my head to see who it is, it's Hyungin, one of the many people I'd rather haven't known about all this. It's not that I don't like or appreciate him it's just that I'm really scared to talk about it and it's a miracle I told anyone. He looks at me concern written all over his face. "Hey, I was just gonna let you know dinner's ready but... Is everything okay?", he asks coming closer. "Yeah, I-I'm fine. I'll be right there.", I say trying my best to make my voice sound normal. "Are you sure, you look like you've been crying? If you don't want to tell me I can get Chan or Changbin but please don't pretend you're okay.", he says and unknowingly makes me feel terrible. He leaves the room and I can hear him pulling Changbin aside and leading him into the hallway not too far away from me. "You should talk to Seungmin, I found him crying in his room but he won't talk to me and you're one of the only people he trusts.", I hear him say knowing he's right and so does Changbin, so I fear his reaction. "What? I'll try to figure out what's going on, he seemed so happy this morning. Thank you for telling me.", he thanks him also sounding worried now. I can hear him coming to my room and brace myself for the new tears I could already feel building in my chest. "Hey, what happened?", he asks while sitting down on my bed and pulling me closer. I want to answer but the moment I try to speak I break, tears running down my cheeks like a waterfall and uncontrollable sobs shaking my whole body. I can feel Changbin pulling me closer, putting his head on my shoulder. "It's okay, let it all out no need to keep anything in with me.", he tells me but I can hardly hear him through my heavy breaths and tears. I want to tell him how thank full I am for not leaving me alone but my voice doesn't work properly so the words are too broken and shaky for him to understand and he just lets my head fall into his chest keeping me close. "It's fine, you don't have to speak right now just try to calm down.", he whispers directly into my ear this time. The words slowly let the warm feeling of safety spread throughout my body, which still doesn't calm me down but at least it gives me the ability to completely let go. Nonetheless, the moment I feel my heartbeat and breathing pick up even more I get scared. I start panting as my airways close up, feeling trapped and trying to free myself from Changbin's grip. Him already being familiar with the situation is keeping me as close as possible to his chest, knowing that the sound of his heart would probably help me relax, while also trying his best to avoid being hit in the face by my wildly moving arms. Once I stop moving around so much he pulls me into a position in which I'd be able to see his face while also not letting me lose too much body contact. "Look at me.", he tells me softly putting a hand on my cheek. I do as I'm told trying to keep my eyes on his face. "Breath for me Seungmin.", he continues. I do my best but I can't seem to be able to find a normal pattern. When he realizes he immediately reacts by taking my hands. "We'll do it together. It's okay.", he assures me looking into my eyes. "Do it with me, take a deep breath in.", he starts and we both take a breath. "Now slowly let it out like this.", he continues releasing his breath after a few seconds and I follow his example, already feeling the pressure lift off my chest a little. "Good job, now keep going, slowly in and out.", he encourages still holding my hands in his. I stately start relaxing and getting my breath back under control, silent tears still running down my face. After being pretty much back to normal he pulls me back into his chest completely and I feel myself relaxing into him. "Do you want to talk about what happened?", Changbin asks carefully letting his hand slowly run through my hair. "He deserves so much better.", I say hiding my face in his shoulder. "What makes you think you're not good enough?", he questions confused. "Just because my brain is messed up, I have him lie to his friends and have him wait for over a year just to kiss me. He just deserves someone to be able to give him what he needs and not someone like me that has him waiting around for ages", I explain quietly. "I see, but you know Chan is not the type of person to fake emotions, and as far as I can tell he really likes you. I don't think I've ever seen him this happy about someone, so please don't ever think he deserves better than you.", he says keeping his tone serious but light. "Chan and I both know you're not a bad person, you're a good person with bad experiences. That's why he's willing to wait because he knows that you're worth all the effort he puts into making you feel safe and loved and that in the end, there's no one else he'd rather be with.", he says and in a way, it does make me feel better. "Are you hungry? I mean the others have probably already finished but I could get you some, if you want me to.", he offers and I realise it's been about eight hours since I last ate, so I nod and he immediately leaves to get it. I'm about to lie down when I hear a knock on the door.