You're safe with me

Hidden memories

Seungmin's pov
The next morning I wake up to an empty bed. My first instinct is to look around and I notice light seeping through the closed bathroom-door, which is opened a moment later. Out comes Chan wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, water dripping from his curls onto his chest, running down his stomach. I can't help but stare at his perfect body, blushing deeply once we make eye- contact breaking it quickly. "You're allowed to stare, you know. I'm all yours, no need to shy away.", he says and I could hear a big smile in his voice. I look up to see a wide grin on his face, proofing my suspicions. "What are you doing today?" I ask, unable to take my eyes off his perfect body. It honestly makes me feel a little insecure. Sure I'm fit but compared to him I look like a stick, my abs are there but nowhere near to being as defined as his and compared to his my biceps is basically none existent. "I have some work to catch up on and I promised Felix to go to the cinema with him this evening. But what about you?" he says and I look up. "Sounds nice, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do yet." I respond, trying my best to get my mind off the bare chest in front of me. I can feel a strangely warm sensation in my lower belly thinking about him, making me a little nervous. "Is everything alright Angel?" he asks but my mind is too busy to think of an answer, the pet-name making it worse. "Baby?" he pushes, coming closer. He lightly places his hand on my shoulder rubbing up and down my arm. When he notices his actions are worsening my condition he immediately stops even taking a step back. "It's okay, nothing happened, no need to be nervous." he soothes, moving his hand up and down indicating for me to breath. While I'm following his instructions he looks me up and down, probably looking for possible triggers, when I notice his eyes coming to a hold between my legs. I look down, confused as to why his eyes seem to be fixed on that area. That's when I notice the tent in my trousers, my face turning a bright red. "It's okay." he says calmly, trying to make eye-contact. I panic. I'm not ready to try having Chan touch me again! "Don't worry, I'm not going to touch you if you don't ask me to." he assures me, taking another step back. "What am I gonna do now?" I ask with a whine. "Well, there are two options. Either you wait it out or you take care of it yourself." he says softly. I'm aware that I should probably know how to do so but matter of fact I do not. Since I'm also way too embarrassed to ask for guidance, I decide to just wait it out and hope for the best. "Either way there's no need to panic, you're gonna be just fine." he says while walking over to his closet and pulling a shirt out of one of the drawers. He puts it on before turning to face me again. I just sit there, unsure of what to do now. "Is there something else? You seem a little out of it right now." he asks and I can hear the concern in his voice. Despite knowing that physical-touch is probably not going to help get rid of my problem, I still want no need him close. I need his comfort and the way he makes me feel so safe and loved. "Can you hug me, please?" my voice is barely even a whisper and since on top of that he's also pretty much at the other end of the room, he doesn't hear my words. The only way he is able to recognisance I said something, is by noticing my lips moving. "What was that Angel?" he asks coming closer. I struggle to find the courage to repeat myself, so I just stay quiet until he reaches the bed. He sits down, still waiting for an answer. "Can you say that again Baby? I couldn't hear you." he tries again and I blush, still too shy to ask again. "Whatever it is, you have to tell me so I can do something about it, okay?" I take a deep breath before speaking. "Can I have a hug?" I ask, voice still small but I know he heard me this time by the way his eyes light up at my words. "Of course! Are you really that nervous about asking for something so sweet?" there's a frown on his face and I nod truthfully. To that he gets closer and carefully pulls me into his arms, my body completely relaxing at the contact. When he starts to pull away I quickly place my hand on his back, keeping him close. I don't want this to end, ever. As if reading my mind, he shifts so he could lie down before pulling me onto his chest. Only then do I realise he's still only wearing a towel around his hips, or so I thought, because when he shifts his hips to pull me even closer I can see a pair of black boxers peaking from underneath it. We stay like this for a solid 15 minutes, him softly stroking my back while I listen to his even heartbeat, before either of us dear to say a word. Chan is the first one to break the silence, "How do you feel?" he asks and I don't even have to think before answering. "Safe, protected...", I hesitate with the last point, unsure rather I should say it. I can feel Chan's eyes on me now, waiting for me to continue. I don't and he doesn't push it either but I can feel his arm tighten around my waist. "Loved." I whisper, so quietly it could probably be considered a breath. I highly doubt he actually heard me but I can still feel him press a kiss to the top of my head, sending shivers down my spine. After another 10 minutes I hear him whine in discomfort, causing me to look at him. "What's wrong?" I ask concerned. "I should be working right now but I don't want to move, like ever again." he whines and I can't help but smile. If I'm honest I don't want to move either. This just feels so right and so so safe, that I can't quite bring myself to let go. Let go of this moment, let go of this feeling and most importantly, let go of him. The feeling is so overwhelming that I can feel tears building in my chest rising into my eyes and I don't even attempt holding them back. Instead I just let it happen, sobbing quietly, which causes Chan to look at me and to pull my chin up so I'd look at him. "What's wrong, why are you crying?" he asks softly but clearly worried. "I don't know, I just feel so safe. It kind of just overwhelmed me I don't know." I admit, voice raspy with tears. "I'm glad you feel safe with me." I try wiping my tears away and stop new ones from coming but Chan holds my wrist, stopping me in my action. "Don't force yourself to stop, it's okay to cry. You never have to hide your emotions from me. Though I will try to calm you down, I'd never even dream of telling you to stop crying because I know how much of a relive it can be to just let it all out." he tells me, reinforcing the feeling. After we finally manage to get out of bed, we both just go about our day. Chan, Changbin and Jisung disappearing for a few hours to work on some songs in the studio, while I go live to talk to fans for a while and play video-games with Felix. After they get back, Chan and Felix almost immediately leave for the cinema and I spend the rest of the evening talking to Changbin. The next two weeks are basically the same, we get up in the morning to either go to practice or an interview and often don't get back until late in the evening, leaving us all exhausted and tired. So even though I spend most nights in Chan's bed, we never really get to talk. Until one night I wake up with a racing heart and tears streaming down my face. I don't remember much, just the intense fear that is still lingering around me like fog in the early morning. I can feel Chan moving next to me and figure I must've woken him up by moving around so much. He leans over me with a terrified look on his face, softly putting his hand on my chest. "Seungmin, are you with me?" when I try to answer I realize I can't move, the fear still too deep in my core. "Seungmin?!" he's panicking and so am I still unable to move, feeling parallelized. It's only once Chan pulls me up against his chest, keeping me as close as possible that the feeling in my body comes back and I cling to him like a child to their stuffed animal. When he tries to pull back slightly I only hold him tighter not wanting to let go. "I'm not going anywhere, please let me look at you." after the reassurance I slowly start to loosen my grip, letting him pull away. He takes a sharp breath when catching sight of me. My whole body is shaking now, tears still flowing and soft whimpers are the only thing leaving my mouth. He places on hand back on my chest and starts caressing my wet cheek with the other. "It's okay, it's all over now. It was just a dream, I'm right hear, you're not alone." he whispers into my ear my heart slowly starting to calm down. "Do you remember what happened?" I shake my head slightly. "Just a really deep sense of fear." he nods seemingly lost in his own head. He blinks a few times before saying anything. "You seemed parallelized after waking up. Has that ever happened before?" I shrug. "But then again I hardly ever remember anything the next morning, it's like that part of the night gets lost in the depths of my mind and is never to be seen again." I say and I feel a shiver running through me at my rather unsettling phrasing. "That sounds really scary." Chan comments with a soothingly warm tone. "To me that sounds like your brain is trying to protect you from a certain memory by making you forget about it. The only problem with that is, your mind might forget but your body won't." it makes so much sense, that's why I can't remember most of my nightmares but am still able to feel them weighing heavy on my body. "But we'll figure this out tomorrow. Let's just try to go back to sleep for now, I'm too tired to think properly." he pulls me back against his chest, wrapping both arms around me, creating a save environment again.