Dearest - truly flung out of space

05 - Too much hope?

The week goes by in a blur. My days are filled with work, university classes and assignments. Amelia and I haven’t had contact over the last few days. She surely is mad at me, but I couldn’t bear to lie to her anymore. Somehow, it felt good to finally get it off my chest. I was never a person who voluntarily chose to speak up on things that bothered me. My communication strategy was to always keep quiet and try to sort things out with myself first.

It’s Wednesday evening, and I decide to text Amelia. I hate her stubbornness sometimes.

Y/N
Hey Amelia. I hope you’re doing okay. I’m sorry if my words have upset you. You know how much you mean to me. You’re my best friend, the only person I have left and I do not want to lose you. I can’t lose you. I love you so much but I don’t want to be a bother. I know you are concerned about me and, trust me, I appreciate this so much. But I don’t want to be like a dog, following you around everywhere you go. I’d like to meet Mark some day. But without pressure.

I sent the message and she reads it shortly after but she doesn’t respond.
Instead, my doorbell rings and Amelia stands in front of me. She pulls me into a warm hug.

“You silly girl, I’m sorry. I don’t want to force you. You’re my best friend,” she whispers in the crook of my neck. We have breakfast together and go to our university classes.
The classes are boring and I can’t concentrate either since I can’t stop thinking about my meeting with Carol tomorrow.

“Are you okay? You seem stressed,” whispers Amelia as she pokes my arm.
“Yeah, I just go out with someone for dinner tomorrow,” I reply and her eyes widen.
And then she starts to ask me question after question, wanting to know everything about my ‘date’.
I tell her a bit about Carol but I don’t mention her name. I don’t even mention the fact that she is a woman even though I know that Amelia would never judge me.

After I get home, I decide on an outfit for tomorrow. My face is embellished with a smile because I can’t get Carol out of my head. What will she wear? Which perfume would he use?

My happiness is interrupted by a message. Carol's name pops up and my smile widens. But when I read her message all the happiness and joy I feel slowly fades.

Carol Aird
Hello Y/N
How are you? I hope you are feeling good.
Please forgive me but I’m afraid I have to cancel our little date tomorrow. There are a lot of things happening in my life and I have to learn how to process them myself. I’m sorry if I caused you to have any false hope. This was all a big mistake. You are a very special young lady and I’m sorry to hurt you like that.
All the best,
Carol x

My heart aches. Tears make their way down my face. Of course she would have rejected me.
I feel sick, overwhelmed even and so I decide to call Amelia. I need someone right now and she is the only person I trust.

“Y/N, hey. Is everything okay?” she asks, clearly concerned.
I can’t answer her, only sniffs are escaping my throat.
Amelia is on her feet straight away, telling me that she will be at my apartment in a heartbeat. She tells me to not hang up the phone and so I hear her car starting shortly after. She curses at the other cars for going so slow and five minutes later she rings my door.

I still am at a loss for words. Amelia doesn't force me to talk. Instead, she grabs some snacks and turns on the TV to watch a show. We used to do that every time Amelia broke up with one of her boyfriends. She could never handle the heartbreak and I couldn't handle finding the right words.

"Why am I so sad about it? It was clear that she would cancel. I thought we had something special.. I don't know, we bonded. And I didn't want it to end. Why can't I be happy Amelia?" I cry out and throw a blanket over us.

"Hey, don't say that. You're so special. She said that herself. Maybe she's just overwhelmed. But that has nothing to do with you, do you hear me! I'm sure she will text you again," she says, “You should definitely answer her. Come on, we will think of something together”

And so we write something together. She helps me formulate my thoughts because I still can’t think straight.

Y/N
Dear Carol,
I’m sorry you have to cancel the dinner tomorrow. To be honest, I was very excited to see you. Maybe you want to arrange another meeting. If you do, please let me know.
Y/N

My heart aches when I send the message which doesn’t go unnoticed by my best friend. She wraps her arms around me and lets me let out all the tears. We stay curled up on my sofa for almost 2 hours before she goes home. She doesn’t want to leave me but I reassure her that I am okay.

I still feel very empty and I want to text Carol again. I want to tell her that I am available if she wants to talk. She saw the message but didn’t answer. I want to write something but my fingers don’t move.

To my surprise my phone rings seconds later.
“Hello?” I ask with a shaky voice.
Silence.
“I was horrible earlier. Will you forgive me?” a quiet voice asks. Carol sounds hurt, betrayed even. A small sniff reaches my ear and I can imagine that she is crying.
“Yes, I mean…yes,” I answer and close my eyes for a second. Hearing her voice makes me feel better somehow.
Silence again. We both don’t know what to say and so we prefer to not say anything at all.
“Are you okay?” I suddenly say, my mouth being faster than my brain, “Sorry”.
A light chuckle reaches my ears.
“It’s alright. You have every right to ask. You know, there is a lot happening right now and I don’t know how to deal with everything,” she says.
“Okay, I understand that,” I plainly answer and sigh.
“Goodbye, dear,” she whispers and shortly after she ends the call. Her use of the word ‘dear’ makes my heart ache. I wish I could have hugged her, wish I could have been able to show her at least the slightest bit of support. This is too much to ask for, I’m aware of that but I do feel like we bonded quite well and I want to help her since she showed me such kindness earlier.

I throw my phone on my sofa, getting ready for bed. I can’t deal with another conversation with anyone and so I put on a random movie. But I quickly realize that I can’t get her out of my head. What is she doing now? Is she okay? Will she be okay?

With all of these thoughts in my head, I collapse in bed. Tears make their way down my face, and this time, I don’t hide them. Instead, I cry it all out.
Eventually, my body is so weak that I fall asleep.

Carol Aird, you make my heart ache.