Dearest - truly flung out of space

11 - Confessions?

I'm sitting on bed, a piece of paper lying in front of me. The word document to pre-write is open, yet I have no idea what to write.

I already called Amelia to ask what she would say and she helped me with formulating the words. With her help I write something.

Dear Carol,
I've been conflicting myself with not knowing if I should tell you what is going on in my head. I know that we only know each other for a few weeks but yet I feel very attached to you. I'm not very good at openly talking about my feelings and so it is hard for me to communicate them sometimes. You know, I never had my own opinion growing up. I was always just the side character of other peoples' stories and I never really had the right to talk because other people wouldn't listen to my stuff anyway. I don't know how to say what I truly feel because I fear the judgment of other people. But I also am a strong believer of the truth and so I want to be honest with you, even though I don't know how to formulate my words.
I like you Carol. I like you more than I should. Whenever we talk, I feel safe. It's almost like you understand me without even talking to me. Somehow you know how to calm me down, how to motivate me when things get tough and how to support me when needed. I know that our contact hasn't been that strong and maybe you think it is weird for me to feel that way but, as I said, I want to be honest with you. I'm sorry if I'm crossing any boundaries. I'm sorry if this is too much for you to take, considering your current situation. The last thing I want is to cause any trouble or worry. I'd understand if you want to cut contact with me. To be honest, I'd probably do the same.
I don't want to add up on your already troubling situation with the divorce. But I want you to know that I have feelings for you. Sincere feelings. Feelings that I can't control. Feelings that I wish would perish because they are pathetic.

To illustrate my feelings, I've decided to write this poem.
I wish you'd understand how I see you in the sunlight,
if only you could see your beautiful eyes shine so bright.

Blue as the ocean, even more special and pure,
looking at you, I feel so secure.

Now I'm lost, lost in thought,
forgetting all the rules I was taught.

I wish I could express my feelings in words,
when all I hear is the singing of the birds.

They sang so beautifully on the day we met,
Your character is one I'd never forget.

And yet I long to have you back,
My days without you are just black.

So please believe you mean everything to me,
oh how wonderful life with you would be.

I'd give you all the love I have for you,
oh my darling, if only you'd knew.

But you are not mine and I have no right to ask,
Hiding my thoughts so they don't get unmasked.

In another life would you choose me?
To imagine how wonderful life with you would be.

But you're not with me but with him,
and to me it feels like it's a sin.

To long for someone I can't have,
will forever cut my heart in half.

I'm sorry Carol.
I really am.
But Carol, I love you.
Y/N

Tears are running down my cheeks. Writing this may have been the hardest thing I ever did. I send a photo to Amelia, wanting to know her opinion. She's proud of me for putting it so well. Including the poem feels right to me. It feels like it's completing the letter since I dedicated it to her in the first place.