Dearest - truly flung out of space

09 - What do I feel?

I decide to text Amelia to meet up at my place for a talk. Knowing that she would annoy me every second if I told her the reason for the meetup already, I keep quiet for now.

We sit down on the couch and her deep brown eyes stare at me in expectation. I have no idea how to formulate my thoughts in words.
"Soooo?" she asks curiously.
"Ehm, I.. I think I feel something for Carol," I shyly say and turn my gaze to the floor.

Amelia is shocked. Her eyes widen at every word I say. This is something she would have never believed I'd ever tell her.
"Yeez, really? Y/N," she sighs but her sigh isn't reproachful, rather understanding. She wants me to open to up her but she isn't forcing me to speak.

I sigh, trying to make logic out of what I'm saying.
"I don't know what I'm feeling. I like Carol, a lot actually. She's... she's just so loving, so caring. It seems like she always knows what to say in hard situations and she is taking my side," I start. Amelia tilts her head at the last part, not knowing what I am referring to. I never told her about the incident at the restaurant with the knuckle. To be honest, I didn't think it was necessary since she never questioned it.

"There was one incident at the restaurant. It was the second time I saw her. She was out with her best friend for lunch. Nobody took their orders by that time and I felt so bad for them. We talked a bit and then I prepared their orders. On the way to their table, a guest dropped his fork and boom, I fell. All the food spilled everywhere. Carol immediately helped me with my knuckle because I hit it when I fell. Her best friend also helped, she collected the big shards. I didn't ask either of them for help, they just did. And when my boss confronted me with the mess I've caused, Carol took my side and protected me from his words. She was so kind, Amelia. I haven't met anyone so nice ever since you became my friend. And I don't know, I think I'm attached to her. And I don't know if what I am feeling can even be described as love. I don't have any experience. It's pathetic. I don't want to be pathetic. I can't turn it off. I'm scared," I sniff, only now realizing the tears that make their way down my cheek.

Amelia puts her hand on my back, slowly stroking it. She knows how hard it is for me to talk about my feelings.

"Maybe you're just overreacting. It's perfectly normal to grow attached to someone who cares so much about you. Maybe you see her as a kind of role model? Like the mother you wanted?" she starts. Her voice is full of uncertainty but yet she tries to sound convincing.
I know she's just trying to help but she doesn't understand my point. Sure, Carol is acting very caring towards me and yes, I do appreciate her for that but I don't see her as a motherly figure. But I do understand why Amelia brings this argument up. Ever since I told my parents that I want to study literature they have turned their back on me. As an only child I was their biggest little treasure and they were concerned about my future. I never missed anything in my childhood. But since I went to university our relationship has changed. They were never happy with my choice of studies, telling me that I will never be able to make a good living with a degree that has low acceptance in today's society. I tried to tell them that it has been my dream to study literature but they wouldn't listen to me. I haven't had contact with them for years.

"Amelia, I know what you think, but it's not that. I don't see Carol as a motherly figure. My feelings are real. Whenever she walks into a room my heart does a funny stumble. She is the sunshine on a cloudy day. She is the blanket that hugs you when you feel sad. Whenever I hear her voice or her laughter I skip a breath. It's like I am petrified, unable to move or react in any way. When she doesn't text me I feel this ache in my heart. It feels like my heart is being ripped apart when I am no in contact with her. Whenever we chat I feel this perfection and this special safety. She makes me feel safe. I can tell her everything without being judged."

I could talk about her for hours and hours on end.

"Damn Y/N it really hit you hard, huh? Listen, I understand your feelings. Carol sounds like a very nice person. And your feelings seem reasonable. Maybe you should talk to her or write your feelings down like you did when you were attached to the teachers in school. She deserves to know the truth, don't you think?"

Amelia is right. Carol deserves the truth and nothing but the truth. But how do I put my feelings into words?
Her mention of my teachers makes me feel pain in my heart. I don't want to be reminded about that time in my life. I was attached to at least one teacher at every school I attended. Everything got out of hand very quickly and I lost the connection to the people I thought were my friends. When I met Amelia I played work open cards right from the start. She appreciated my honesty and didn't judge me for my past.

"I don't know Amelia. Isn't it pathetic to write them down? I mean, how high is the chance of Carol actually liking me back? I'm sure I mean nothing to her. Why should I? Imagine the disgrace if I tell her and she doesn't feel the same? I couldn't deal with the heartbreak," I whisper, the last sentence is barely audible. Tears make their way down my cheeks. What I feel for Carol is real. She's the first woman I've ever laid eyes on in this way.

"Don't say that Y/N, Carol likes you. She wouldn't act like that towards you if she didn't like you. You should talk to her or at least write it down. I'll support you," Amelia says. She's really willing to put up with my stuff.

"Thank you," I mumble and wipe the remaining tears away. Amelia gives me a concerned look and wraps her arms around me.

"I love you bestie," she whispers in the crook of neck.

~

Another few days have passed. I spend the majority of the time with homework. I haven't talked to Amelia about the letter yet but she reassured me that she is here when I need her.

I currently have an essay lying in front of me when my phone buzzes, a message from non other than Carol Aird popping up at the top of the screen.

Carol Aird
Hello dear,
how are you? I was reading through our messages and remembered that we haven't had the chance to have our dinner date (if you can call it like that). Do you have to work today? I thought about stopping by the restaurant for a drink.
All the best,
Carol x

I smile at her message. Unfortunately, I do have to work today but the thought of Carol joining, even for just a little bit of time, makes the thought less painful. She read through our messages. That means she cares more than she should, right?

Y/N
Hello Carol,
how nice it is to hear from you.
I have to work today, yes. I'd be glad to see your face. I'd even pay for your drink.

Regards,
Y/N

I smile to myself after sending the message. The thought of seeing her sitting at the counter with a dry martini in hand makes me happy.

My thoughts are interrupted by yet another message from her.

Carol Aird
Oh dear,
don't be silly. I will play for the drink myself ;)
I'll see you later.
Love,
Carol.

And there it was. She used the word "Love". 4 letters with yet so much meaning for a lonely soul like me.

I decide to not answer her and get ready for work.

Carol Aird, you are something truly special. 

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(a/n): Hey lovely readers! Happy pride month!! You all are valid and I'm so proud of you all! 
What do you think about Carol an Y/N? Where do you think the situation will lead?

I hope to see you for the next chapter next Sunday. Until then, take care :)