Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

My Soul Smiled

I am so tired. I really truly am. I have been running in circles about my love life. Yes I know it's by choice. But I feel like I am out of time. Then you send me his soul for a visit? I didn't need the reminder of what it felt like to lay down next to him. I know what his heartbeat feels like. I know what rhythm his breathing slows to when he's asleep. I just don't recall him anymore because he hurts to think about. I hurt thinking about him. I really do. I hurt thinking about time slipping and going off the rails.

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I rolled into my first date with Oliver two glasses of white wine deep on a beautiful sunny day in September. It was that perfect Boston weather. Sunny, not windy and not an ounce of cold in the air. I remember I was wearing a sleeveless white t-shirt with high waisted Levi's and sandals. I radiated effortless summer chic as I pushed my sunglasses onto the top of my head and walked into the bar. I had just finished drinks with two girlfriends from school and had briefly told them I had a date. I played off how excited I was because I didn't want to jinx it. Even before meeting him, Oliver seemed special. It's not just because I found him attractive although objectively he was. Technically he still is.

He is 6'4 with blonde hair and hazel-ish eyes. They always looked kind of blue to me. In fact they often changed color but we agreed to disagree on that. He is tall and could have trended towards lanky if he didn't love working out so much. He has strong arms and a sturdy frame and I loved the look of him. It looked like he could hold me up if I needed to be. I don't know why that crossed my mind when I met him but for some reason I knew I would need him to keep me safe. Ironic now looking back on it. Neither of us were able to do that, but at the time, it mattered.

When he sat down at the table I couldn't help but light up with the biggest smile I had ever given someone. I'm smiling now while I write this. Even with all the electrodes attached to my head to record my brain waves, I can still feel the light and airy happiness that comes from me thinking about him the first time we met. It was like something aligned for no other reason than the universe decided it should. Isn't that a lovely thought? The universe decided we should align with each other. Damn how lucky we were. I haven't felt that alignment in quite some time and it pisses me off that I wasted the opportunity when it was handed to me.

I was happy sitting across from a handsome man with a deep voice that felt like velvet over my soul. The bar was dark and moody, far too dark for the sunny day outside but I didn't care. I was mesmerized by him. I didn't even know what the inside of the bar looked like until we went back for dinner months later. That's how taken I was with him. I can't tell you what we talked about or what we ate. The only thing I remember distinctly is his smile. I had made him laugh and it escaped from him so quickly that he caught himself. He tried to bottle up his smile. I watched as he turned his head ever so slightly down to the left, almost embarrassed by how much joy had just come out. I smiled wide in return. His whole face lit up and I knew I wanted to make this man smile like that every chance I got.

The chemistry was electric. I don't know what about it made it so passionate but we just worked. Honestly it was that simple. Oliver was effortless. I didn't have the feelings of shame or hesitation or even fear I had with other partners. He felt strong and sturdy and he asked nothing of me which at the time was a good thing.

When I think about it now, I can still feel the eager anticipation of wanting to see him. My heart begins to beat in a rhythm I only associate with him. It kind of feels like being rocked to sleep in a hammock. Safe, mindless and in gentle motion. Being with him in the beginning was buoyant. I remember having no regrets about leaving class early to catch him for dinner or rushing out of work to grab a drink on a Tuesday night. Any time I had I wanted to give to him. Looking back I must have known I would run out of time. That's always how it works isn't it? You're always running out of time. So I worked quickly. I squeezed as much of him into my life as I could. It was the only thing I knew how to do.