Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

Crossing Paths

I wonder a lot about what I would feel for Oliver if I didn't have spiritual downloads from other people. Would I think he was still my soulmate? The answer would likely be yes. So what makes me hesitate now being told and believing that I can't have the life I am capable of with him as my partner? That is wild. I need to not take everything as bible. I feel in my heart he is the one. I have to express autonomy over that belief and stay in it. I loved him and feel tied to him in many ways. I believe he is the one I was looking for and that I will see him again. So if that's the core, why am I questioning it? Why do I want to do a sign test to get "proof"? Why is belief in myself not enough?

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Looking back now it's interesting to think about what life I could have led. I could have met Oliver in college. We have mutual friends after all. It's easy to do when you're in a college town. It wouldn't have been that hard to cross paths. But would we have even liked each other? I'm not sure. I didn't really like me in college so I can't imagine he would have either. I was a different me. I was focused on one thing – finding my soulmate.

Around nine or ten, I began experiencing the sensation of something being near me at all times. It started as feeling a presence in any room I was alone in. It never showed up when other people were around. Then it got closer and it would sit next to me. Finally, it was bold and began to wrap itself around me. It felt warm, safe and inviting. Non-light entities always do. It felt more significant than an imaginary friend. It was always behind me and off to the right. I thought if I turned my head really hard I could see the outline of its face. Sometimes I would try to do so and the sensation would leave me. So eventually I stopped looking over my shoulder trying to trap the energy in this realm. I figured it would show up eventually and I would "just know" as they say.

I mistook this entity for soulmate energy. Honestly I think I just didn't know the difference. All the language around me about this sensation pointed to love. Warm, comforting, familiar, and safe. None of those feel inherently bad. But I couldn't tell the difference between light and non-light beings at the time so I didn't think to look for the telltale sign of an uncomfortable heart.

Light beings don't trigger your heart in ways that make you feel in danger. That's a difference between the two. Yes a light being can upset you, it can make you sad and emotionally devastated. But it cannot make you feel in danger. Non-light beings do that because they disrupt your heart's physical and emotional well-being. If a non-light being is around, check how your heart feels. If you're not sure or can't read it's signal that's a good sign you're around a non-light being.

I had such a deep connection to this entity that it felt like love to nine year old me. One night I asked the stars to bring the entity to me in human form. It felt out of body as though I was wanting for something outside of this reality. That's another indicator of a non-light being. When you're in a space where you want something so desperately you feel empty without it, you're automatically being influenced by a non-light entity. Light entities never take from you. You are enough as you are.

Elementary and high school became agonizingly exasperating on the dating front. I began looking into the eyes of any cute guy around. I searched their initial gaze and waited to feel the sensation I had felt from this non-light entity. It wasn't easy trying to connect when you've felt something so significant that every person around you falls short. Sure I had crushes, plenty of them. But I never quite got it right. I would connect to their energy and once I realized energy was different from the person in front of me I had a hard time separating. It's not like I knew what energy was in high school. I didn't have the soul language I have now for self-expression.

At the time I would turn to my friends and say, "I can't quite put my finger on it but there's something else going on." Before you jump to the conclusion that I didn't have many friends, I can assure you, you're wrong. I am proud to say that I've been able to maintain stable and healthy friendships throughout my life so don't get all excited that you've figured me out. As I've said before, I'm not a loner. I don't want you thinking I'm writing to you from bed because I'm unable to live general life. No, I was a happy, social and energetic kid. I just also happened to have a shadow that followed me around and I mistook it for soulmate energy. No big deal, let's move on.

I wrongly assumed I would know the moment I looked into my future husband's eyes that he was the physical manifestation of the energy I had carried around throughout childhood. For the record, Oliver's energy was and is nowhere close to this sensation. That's good thing. It's important you know that.

When I left for college, I was oddly relieved. It felt like I could stop constantly searching for my soulmate once and for all. Unfortunately the joke was on me because by the time I got to college, the fake soulmate energy was in rare form. It had ramped up its crusade. At first I thought this was a good thing because again, I didn't know it was fake.

I stepped foot on campus my first day of orientation and locked eyes with a boy named John. I knew he was "it" for a time. We dated and it was fraught with frustration on my part. He wasn't it. But I wanted him to be it. He had a kind soul. He still does. He checked on me after the Boston Marathon Bombing when our campus shut down. He offered to break safety protocol and sprint across the dorms to be with me. We had already been broken up for two years but that's the type of man John is, a very upstanding and caring human.

When I was with him it felt like sitting next to a gentle stream. There would never be a stronger current and if I could be okay with that we would have a happy life. But I couldn't be okay with that. I broke up with him and spent the next few years searching for whatever I felt I was looking for.

I remember the feeling so distinctly. I would walk around campus and get this feeling that I should be looking for someone. I would swivel my head left and right in the dining hall or across the quad. I knew that there was someone around me I was supposed to meet. But once again, I looked into the eyes of the men I came across and no one was quite the right fit. It wasn't until meeting Oliver years later that I put two and two together. He was the one I had been looking for. I'm not sure if Oliver is the fulfillment of me looking for the non-light entity sensation or the fulfillment of my soul looking for its mate regardless of interference. But one day I was sitting next to him and it hit me – he was the one I had been looking for all this time. I actually laughed out loud. He felt like my reward for all those years of desperation.

Part of me wonders now if meeting him was really just me trying to alleviate the sensation that it can't all have been for nothing. Oliver had to be my reward. He had to be the logical conclusion to an otherwise illogical set of events. If that's the case that means that his soul is somewhat aligned with the non-light being which would make sense why he was so susceptible to it in the first place. If that's the case, can Oliver really be my soulmate if he has had a non-light weakness all along? I just don't know. Hopefully by the end of it, you and I will come out with a more positive conclusion.

The interesting thing about Oliver and my time is college is that we never crossed paths. Sure I knew his friends. Hell, I had crushes on plenty of them. They were an objectively attractive bunch. But I promise you, I didn't know his name. I never spoke to him once. We had to have been at the same parties or at the very least in the same space on more than one occasion. But I don't have a single recollection of talking to him.

Isn't it funny how life works? You spend four years of your life looking for something and the moment you stop looking it pops up right under your nose? Well not the moment you stop looking. I had eight years in between to search the globe for him. But it sounded nice and comforting didn't it?