Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

I Made a Choice

I don't know him anymore. It hurts but it is also freeing to say. I don't know who Oliver is. He is a complete stranger and that feels relieving. I don't want to know the old him. The old him was incompatible with me. I can see where his soul is. I can see it take form as a person. That should be enough shouldn't it? I wonder what I would think of Oliver and my relationship if I removed all the spiritual stuff. Would I miss him? The answer is yes. I would miss him differently. I would ask "what if" instead of "what now?" What do I do now with this knowledge? The knowledge that he is my soulmate but not in this lifetime. I wonder what he will do with the knowledge. I wanted him to have it because somehow it made me feel safer. It's because I trust him. After all this time, I trust that he can hold space for me.

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When I got back to Boston I texted Oliver and told him I missed him. It wasn't a lie. I really did miss him. He wouldn't be back for a few days so I had ample time to stew over our relationship dynamic. When I thought about it, I felt sad. I felt like he knew nothing about me. Which I suppose he really didn't. We had moved so fast at first, we were so sure this was the real thing that when it came down to it we didn't take the time to figure out if that was in fact true. I didn't feel any guilt after that. I buried the cheating as far down as it would go right next to everything else. When I told him I missed him he didn't say he missed me back.

Do you know what it feels like to be left out in the vulnerability ocean without a life raft? It's an acute type of pain. It hits you where you least expect it: in the throat. When Oliver didn't answer my words got stuck in my throat. It was as if someone had wrapped their hands around my trachea and squeezed it shut. My panic attacks were occurring more frequently since coming back to Boston. The whole time I was in New York I felt okay. I was slightly off balance, and it was difficult to stand up for more than a few minutes. But overall, my body was vibrating at a frequency much less than just a few days before.

The moment I got back to Boston I couldn't really function. I'm sure I was having a physical reaction to being back in a space I was trapped in for so long. When I was in my apartment I was having trouble breathing normally and couldn't really function. The panic symptoms were erratic. Sometimes pure terror shot through me with such force I thought I would never be able to leave the chair I was sitting on. Other times it would be subtle like being unable to feel my arms and hands for undetermined periods of time. The new symptom was feeling like I was choking. When that happened I curled in a ball and opened my mouth to sob but nothing came out.

Once again, my thoughts were almost incoherent. When I was in New York everything was clearer. I could trust myself. But something about the apartment made me feel unstable and uneasy. I would feel a surge of love towards Oliver and then just as quickly hate him. I had no clue what was real and what was the migraine. I had a hard time deciphering what I was thinking at all.

Now during this time I met with an astrologer. Her name was Savitri and she had been given to me by Cheryl, the crystal lady from my birthday. Now Savitri was old school. First off, she was old. Like eighty-five and to be honest, I was surprised she was so technologically advanced. Secondly, she was old school in the sense that she only read the stars, she did not interpret them. It's interesting to only read what the stars give you but that certainly doesn't leave you with a sense of hope and fulfillment. For any psychic or energy worker or astrologer I had ever met, there was always this element of what if? It's the what if's that you take away from the readings. Not the facts you already know.

I told Savitri about Oliver and the difficulty I was having understanding what was real and not for me. It turns out he aligned with what the stars had in store for me in terms of meeting someone. He showed up right on time. According to the stars he was what the universe intended for me at that time in my life. That was comforting. I breathed a sigh of relief.