Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

The Fight

What am I afraid of? Just the thought of being with Oliver strikes fear into me so I have to address it. Better to understand what I'm afraid of than to trick myself into thinking everything is okay and feeling panicky later. We didn't work in a lot of ways like communication and having the desire to bring each other into our lives. We didn't do that. On my side I was afraid it wouldn't work and even more fearful it would. If it did, what life would I have? I didn't have trust in us to be able to lean into one another as opposed to out. Look where it lead. Thinking about him now, I'm afraid it won't work again and that I will have wasted time fighting for the person who isn't part of my future. The fear is preventing me from seeing it for what it is, an opportunity.

If Oliver showed back up in my life, and I hope he does, it would be an opportunity to explore. Not a done deal. It is so uncomfortable sitting with this feeling of fear because I know it won't go away with a new person. It has to be resolved with him first.

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My relationship with non-light beings didn't begin with her. But I have to start with her because she's the one I'm currently fighting with. She being Oliver's new girlfriend. Yes you read that right. I'm in a fight with my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Now, before you get all huffy like you're about to read the stereotypical jealousy story let me be very clear. She started it.

Also, this isn't a story about jealousy. This also isn't a love story. I mean it kind of is. I did love him. Sometimes I still do. It would be impossible for me to tell you this story without it being sort of like a love story. But I'm not sure there's a happy ending.

I haven't decided if I want Oliver back and I haven't been able to see that far ahead when I channel. Would I like him to choose me again? Sure, sometimes. But he also hasn't decided if he wants me back. It's a two way street. On certain days his soul feels so connected to mine that I miss him with my entire being. I don't miss our relationship. That was hard on both of us and I wouldn't do it again. But I miss the connection, the warm feeling in my belly I got the first time I saw him. I miss the part of me that lit up when he was around because he was able to make me shine in that way.

I miss that a lot but if he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow, I wouldn't take him back. I'm terrified that if he shows up on my doorstep with her energy all over him, I'm going to spend the rest of my life warding off things I didn't ask for. I don't want to spend my life with a partner who hasn't learned how to stay away from non-light beings and Darkness. Frankly, I don't have the energy to fight them off for him. I tried that and it didn't work. I became so physically ill afterwards that I had to lay on my bathroom floor for six hours. I suppose that's the price you pay for trying to fight someone else's battle.

See, it's easy to get confused between what's his and what's mine. Battles - I mean. I say that because his soul has been coming to me for shelter and safety. It started so quietly I didn't even notice. Eighteen months after we had broken up I got heart sensations. I would go about my day and my chest would feel warm and welcoming as if I had a baby cradled to it. The energy felt safe so I let it rest. In my meditations, I would confirm it was indeed Oliver's energy. I took it as an amazing sign that he did still love me. Why else would his soul want to come and hang out with mine?

I carried his soul around with me like a source of pride. I would rest my palm flat across my chest and self-soothe. I felt like I was doing something greater than myself and it felt rewarding. His soul continually visited me for about a month before things started to shift. It was almost imperceptible. That's how good non-light beings are. They are masters at deception.

Oliver's soul would show up and I would crack my heart open for him to take up residence. When it would leave I would feel drained as opposed to energized. I didn't know what was going on. Up until then, everything had been comforting and succinct. I knew when he came and I knew when he left. Now I couldn't tell where his energy was despite feeling a sensation of warmth in the center of my breastbone.